IC Contact Duplicity

[apurrstate]

UN:PANACEA: Sorry I missed your call, I'm likely working. Please leave a message.

Comments

[apurrstate]

Whichever you think most important for me to know.

[Then:]

No, tell me all of them.

[haldaneprotector]

No.

Did you meet Kelson?

[apurrstate]

No?

And also no, but I know Hawke spoke to him. Why?

[haldaneprotector]

No, upon reflection I am not giving you everything.

There are two primary reasons:

My eyes are a color known in Gwynedd as Haldane Gray, and Donal was attempting to breed a Deryni protector for Brion before he discovered me.

[apurrstate]

'Breed' a Dreyni protector? First off all, that's horrid.

Second, I don't suppose the eye color could simply be from the amount of power in you? That has been known to happen in Thedas: eye colors being odd for the amount of mana and magical talent in the mage.

[haldaneprotector]

As was Donal.

Anything is possible.

[apurrstate]

But you think that isn't the case.

You feel his aspiration falls too closely in line with when you would have been conceived, along with the nature of the color of your eyes.

I assume your mother never said anything of this?

[haldaneprotector]

I was not quite four when she died. I don't imagine it would have come up, but I certainly do not remember it.

[apurrstate]

Sometimes people write letters when there are things they wish to admit and can't.

You've spent more than some thought on this. I might wager a guess, if you'd rather, but I'd like to hear it from you. What's in your head, love?

[haldaneprotector]

What is in my head at the moment is that the expectations held by most here regarding family is vastly different than my lived experience, and it is often confusing.

I think he coerced, threatened, or forced her and my father was very well aware of that and was an even more impressive man than I had previous realized.

[apurrstate]

More impressive for not having killed him, I agree.

[King or not, that's far more than Anders could ever do if something like that happened to Hawke or Alaric.]

From what you've said and shared, he seems to have at least tried to be a good father to you as well. If he did know, that is also admirable.

[He'll come back to the family thing in a moment.]

[haldaneprotector]

Fealty.

He was a good man.

[apurrstate]

No. Fealty to ones loved ones falls first and foremost. No sovereign is worth more, not even my own. Add to it the type of man Donal appears to be? No.

What is it that weighs most on you about this? The concept, the motivation? Your relation to the Haldanes if true?

[haldaneprotector]

There is no family member, no loved one, that will ever matter more to me more than the kingdom as a whole. No matter who is head of it or how I feel about them as a person.

It doesn't particularly weigh on me. I dislike Donal more than before, which is rather impressive, but in conjunction with my thoughts on family it makes an interesting... contrast.

[apurrstate]

I didn't say the kingdom, I said the person. I don't begrudge your loyalty to your land, even if I don't know that feeling. I begrudge the loyalty to a horrible man.

I'll admit, it makes me far more uncomfortable with the nature of the bond. Which is also rather impressive. Mark I said the bond, not the Haldanes themselves, they clearly had no say or potentially even knowledge in this.

[haldaneprotector]

And in having and raising me they served the land.

Comfortable or not, it worked. It saved not only Brion but his kingdom.

[apurrstate]

They served a concept no matter their personal pain.

You can comprehend this and it makes sense to you.

You accused me 'not all of us can be rebels' I offer: not all of us can be blind patriots to what is evil or wrong.

Is it so hard for you to turn that understanding around and comprehend loyalty to other concepts?

[haldaneprotector]

I would have said of course not, but given the use of the words blind, evil, and wrong I think I may be forced to be too insulted to bother understanding.

[apurrstate]

Turning a blind eye is being blind. The act that you've just described, it's motivation and carrying out, is evil and wrong.

The fact you feel the need to feel insulted tells me you know this and know I'm right and can't reconcile it with your own feelings of loyalty.

[haldaneprotector]

No.

What it should be telling you is that the kingdom is not made up of land. It is made up of men, women, children - of people.

I've very little doubt that Donal's primary motivation was fairly selfish - to ensure his son's survival and seat upon the throne. I've absolutely no doubt that regardless of those motivations who was ultimately served by my existence and my ability to unlock Brion's magical abilities were the people.

Those abilities were not wanted by Brion, and having and using them cost him.

But they are ultimately what protected the people who lived within the borders of the kingdom. Not theoretically, but very literally, from an invasion by Torenth - ruled by incredibly ruthless Deryni adepts, who did some very, very bad things with those powers, for no reason but furthering their own power and their own enjoyment.

It isn't patrotism, it is a personal responsibility to every man, woman, and child under his rule - and for that matter under mine as a Duke and Earl.

[apurrstate]

And so there was no other way to have this than to rape someone? To force this incredibly important form of fealty onto someone?

Even ignoring for a moment that I've expressed how horrid the expectations upon you were, considering your age, that is irresponsible and still inherently wrong. If such defenses were needed, then contingencies should be in place. Perhaps if your king and church weren't so fearful of the very force that they need to protect them, this sort of things could be covered.

Instead, he chose weakness, cowardness and cruelty. There is no excuse or forgiveness for that, especially of a ruler. I've said as much before and it's no different now.

I hold more sympathy for Brion than I did before, as I said I hold no particular ill-will to his family apart from his wife beyond their hold over you. Brion was young and ill-prepared and frightened. Had he been taught not to fear his gifts, then maybe he would be better for them.

His father and the kingdom failed Brion and you both.

[haldaneprotector]

Given that everone involved is dead, even if we take the speculation that I am Donal's son and face value, for all we know both of my parents agreed to this, in the name of serving the kingdom.

I certainly would.

And frankly, no. Even with the gift of hindsight I can think of no scenario, no matter how much fear of magic was removed, that would have avoided the necessity of someone being bound to him, or having that particular ritual given directly to their mind. Scenarios that would have allowed adults, yes, and that is one of the things that was terrible about Dnal, but not the entire process. Not the bond itself.

I was quite literally bound to him to give him the ability to use his gifts at all. Haldane magic is not Deryni magic. The potential is there but without a Deryni ritual, it is... entirely inaccessible.

Donal, however, remains a horrible person.

[apurrstate]

Donal being horrible was not up for debate, just the legitimacy of his motivations and actions.

I grant I don't know enough of your world's magic and it's limitations to argue. I would simply feel better if I thought someone was on your side and would speak up in your defense. You are not a Haldane tool, no matter the 'point' of your birth or what your bond is meant to do or even what you think.

I am curious, though. If you are Donal's son, then you've Haldane and Deryni magic in you. That sounds like a powerful combination if they're so different.

[haldaneprotector]

That is very sweet - and slightly odd.

deryni and haldane are what Kelson is. You know Deryni magic. Haldane magic is... much better suited for battle and even magical duels. Even if I were certain rather than conflicted and speculative, I can't unlock myself and there is no one else.

[apurrstate]

Because I won't let you be wrong about yourself? Yes, how strange.

I still think you've the capacity to learn magic like that. Without killing yourself for it. Just as I suspect you could learn how to heal. I believe you that there isn't a way, I ask out of curiosity: how does the unlocking work?