And so there was no other way to have this than to rape someone? To force this incredibly important form of fealty onto someone?
Even ignoring for a moment that I've expressed how horrid the expectations upon you were, considering your age, that is irresponsible and still inherently wrong. If such defenses were needed, then contingencies should be in place. Perhaps if your king and church weren't so fearful of the very force that they need to protect them, this sort of things could be covered.
Instead, he chose weakness, cowardness and cruelty. There is no excuse or forgiveness for that, especially of a ruler. I've said as much before and it's no different now.
I hold more sympathy for Brion than I did before, as I said I hold no particular ill-will to his family apart from his wife beyond their hold over you. Brion was young and ill-prepared and frightened. Had he been taught not to fear his gifts, then maybe he would be better for them.
His father and the kingdom failed Brion and you both.
Given that everone involved is dead, even if we take the speculation that I am Donal's son and face value, for all we know both of my parents agreed to this, in the name of serving the kingdom.
I certainly would.
And frankly, no. Even with the gift of hindsight I can think of no scenario, no matter how much fear of magic was removed, that would have avoided the necessity of someone being bound to him, or having that particular ritual given directly to their mind. Scenarios that would have allowed adults, yes, and that is one of the things that was terrible about Dnal, but not the entire process. Not the bond itself.
I was quite literally bound to him to give him the ability to use his gifts at all. Haldane magic is not Deryni magic. The potential is there but without a Deryni ritual, it is... entirely inaccessible.
Donal being horrible was not up for debate, just the legitimacy of his motivations and actions.
I grant I don't know enough of your world's magic and it's limitations to argue. I would simply feel better if I thought someone was on your side and would speak up in your defense. You are not a Haldane tool, no matter the 'point' of your birth or what your bond is meant to do or even what you think.
I am curious, though. If you are Donal's son, then you've Haldane and Deryni magic in you. That sounds like a powerful combination if they're so different.
deryni and haldane are what Kelson is. You know Deryni magic. Haldane magic is... much better suited for battle and even magical duels. Even if I were certain rather than conflicted and speculative, I can't unlock myself and there is no one else.
Because I won't let you be wrong about yourself? Yes, how strange.
I still think you've the capacity to learn magic like that. Without killing yourself for it. Just as I suspect you could learn how to heal. I believe you that there isn't a way, I ask out of curiosity: how does the unlocking work?
I meant the desire for someone to stand up for me. It's sweet and reminds me strongly of your desire to take my punishments for me.
I think I could learn to heal. That was once known to Deryni but has been lost. The rest I'm less certain of. Most of the magic I do that isn't based in the mind is far from impressive. Alone, anyway.
And it works... not dissimilarly to what I did for you, except it is removing instead of building walls. Largely mental, some ritual.
I would stand up for you whether there were punishments to take or not. That comes from my loving you and believing in your worth and nothing more complicated.
I voiced before I could teach you, I think the concepts could hold true even if the execution must be different due to limitations. The offer would stand for offensive magics as well. I don't mean lightning, but I'm curious if you could do with your magic what I do with spirit energy or Hawke does with force.
I enjoy learning and challenge. I'm interested in... attaining the goal with healing magic. I am far less interested in offensive magics, but I am willing to try.
There is no doubt in my mind that I was loved, and certainly I loved my parents and do love Bronwyn. But the level of ...intimacy and overt displays of emotion is utterly foreign to me. Some of that is no doubt due to the amount of time spent apart, but the rest, I think, is simply cultural.
I understand a bit of what you mean, it might be cultural, but I do suspect the nature of how you were raised and losing your parents early held a lot to do with it. Hawke's opinion of family and mine are different, yet I would argue our culture is as the same as it can be.
I think, taken more broadly, I need to be able to at least understand it better than I do. Family is the best, starkest, example but I don't think it's helping me build relationships here.
We were both born in 9:04 Dragon and grew up in Ferelden, so the culture is the same. We both had loving families, up until a point. How much of Hawke's history and family has he told you?
Enough, then. You know he had his father until he was a little younger than you and they were a very tightknit group who protected and loved each other as best they could considering they were constantly on the run.
My mother loved me very dearly, I have no doubt of that. My father loved me once, I think. He was Ander. The people, as in from the Anderfells. I have his features: blond, narrow nose and eyes, high cheekbones. The Anders are a very religious people, highly devote and dedicated to not only the Chant of Light and Andraste, but the Chantry.
It took three days after my magic manifested for the Templars to come to my nowhere village and put me in irons to drag me from me weeping mother. He called on them himself. He wasn't a particularly tactile person before, but I might as well have simply no longer existed in that time. I think he thought I was a punishment to him for some perceived slight against the Maker.
I care very much for the freedom for a mage to have whatever family he wishes and the ability to love and devote himself to them.
I don't care for 'the ties of family' or 'the bond of blood' or any of that nonsense.
Your attitude toward Jehana just became more comprehensible than they had been.
Your father was a dick.
I've no idea how to articulate this. Even in text it defies my ability to use words to express things related to emotions.
My father was loving, he was gentle, he was kind and compassionate - but the norms of not just our time and place, but our time, place and status were that displays of affection were for private moments between spouses or children under the age of perhaps six.
I have not cried in more than a decade, and even then in the presence of one person.
One person that I spent more time with than my father or siblings, and that was Llion.
The last time I cried openly? Not in memory - neither Bronwyn nor I cried at father's funeral; it simply was not an option that occurred to me. The last time I hugged someone openly? Nearly two decades.
Magic only had any influence when it came to isolating me from my peers, but even there open emotion simply is not done. I would not consider it a problem, in general, but it is getting in my way here.
In that case, I can understand the question of culture, that may very well be the case here. The expectations you grew up in were vastly different than here, even without the nature of the city. Even in Thedas, hugging or touching or expressing emotion with someone you trust or care for is accepted and largely encouraged.
Honestly? It sounds like you could use practice. Idyll touch is the simplest form and can be done between friends or lovers and might make you more comfortable with the idea over all.
Of course, Hawke and I will be more than happy to practice kissing you in public. For my part, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but if I have your permission to make you uncomfortable, I'd be happy to hug and kiss you for an entire street to see.
A very soft sadistic streak, I'd say, if I'm tormenting you with gentle touches, kisses and forms of intimacy.
He's earnest and patient. I think he sounds like a good friend to have. One you can trust to practice with you without judgement and for the enjoyment of your company.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Even ignoring for a moment that I've expressed how horrid the expectations upon you were, considering your age, that is irresponsible and still inherently wrong. If such defenses were needed, then contingencies should be in place. Perhaps if your king and church weren't so fearful of the very force that they need to protect them, this sort of things could be covered.
Instead, he chose weakness, cowardness and cruelty. There is no excuse or forgiveness for that, especially of a ruler. I've said as much before and it's no different now.
I hold more sympathy for Brion than I did before, as I said I hold no particular ill-will to his family apart from his wife beyond their hold over you. Brion was young and ill-prepared and frightened. Had he been taught not to fear his gifts, then maybe he would be better for them.
His father and the kingdom failed Brion and you both.
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I certainly would.
And frankly, no. Even with the gift of hindsight I can think of no scenario, no matter how much fear of magic was removed, that would have avoided the necessity of someone being bound to him, or having that particular ritual given directly to their mind. Scenarios that would have allowed adults, yes, and that is one of the things that was terrible about Dnal, but not the entire process. Not the bond itself.
I was quite literally bound to him to give him the ability to use his gifts at all. Haldane magic is not Deryni magic. The potential is there but without a Deryni ritual, it is... entirely inaccessible.
Donal, however, remains a horrible person.
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I grant I don't know enough of your world's magic and it's limitations to argue. I would simply feel better if I thought someone was on your side and would speak up in your defense. You are not a Haldane tool, no matter the 'point' of your birth or what your bond is meant to do or even what you think.
I am curious, though. If you are Donal's son, then you've Haldane and Deryni magic in you. That sounds like a powerful combination if they're so different.
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deryni and haldane are what Kelson is. You know Deryni magic. Haldane magic is... much better suited for battle and even magical duels. Even if I were certain rather than conflicted and speculative, I can't unlock myself and there is no one else.
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I still think you've the capacity to learn magic like that. Without killing yourself for it. Just as I suspect you could learn how to heal. I believe you that there isn't a way, I ask out of curiosity: how does the unlocking work?
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It's sweet and reminds me strongly of your desire to take my punishments for me.
I think I could learn to heal. That was once known to Deryni but has been lost. The rest I'm less certain of. Most of the magic I do that isn't based in the mind is far from impressive. Alone, anyway.
And it works... not dissimilarly to what I did for you, except it is removing instead of building walls. Largely mental, some ritual.
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I voiced before I could teach you, I think the concepts could hold true even if the execution must be different due to limitations. The offer would stand for offensive magics as well. I don't mean lightning, but I'm curious if you could do with your magic what I do with spirit energy or Hawke does with force.
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Earlier, you mentioned issues with other people's perceptions of family. Care to elaborate?
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There is no doubt in my mind that I was loved, and certainly I loved my parents and do love Bronwyn. But the level of ...intimacy and overt displays of emotion is utterly foreign to me. Some of that is no doubt due to the amount of time spent apart, but the rest, I think, is simply cultural.
I've no idea how to relate to that.
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I understand a bit of what you mean, it might be cultural, but I do suspect the nature of how you were raised and losing your parents early held a lot to do with it. Hawke's opinion of family and mine are different, yet I would argue our culture is as the same as it can be.
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Can you explain more?
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We were both born in 9:04 Dragon and grew up in Ferelden, so the culture is the same. We both had loving families, up until a point. How much of Hawke's history and family has he told you?
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My mother loved me very dearly, I have no doubt of that. My father loved me once, I think. He was Ander. The people, as in from the Anderfells. I have his features: blond, narrow nose and eyes, high cheekbones. The Anders are a very religious people, highly devote and dedicated to not only the Chant of Light and Andraste, but the Chantry.
It took three days after my magic manifested for the Templars to come to my nowhere village and put me in irons to drag me from me weeping mother. He called on them himself. He wasn't a particularly tactile person before, but I might as well have simply no longer existed in that time. I think he thought I was a punishment to him for some perceived slight against the Maker.
I care very much for the freedom for a mage to have whatever family he wishes and the ability to love and devote himself to them.
I don't care for 'the ties of family' or 'the bond of blood' or any of that nonsense.
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Your father was a dick.
I've no idea how to articulate this. Even in text it defies my ability to use words to express things related to emotions.
My father was loving, he was gentle, he was kind and compassionate - but the norms of not just our time and place, but our time, place and status were that displays of affection were for private moments between spouses or children under the age of perhaps six.
I have not cried in more than a decade, and even then in the presence of one person.
One person that I spent more time with than my father or siblings, and that was Llion.
The last time I cried openly? Not in memory - neither Bronwyn nor I cried at father's funeral; it simply was not an option that occurred to me. The last time I hugged someone openly? Nearly two decades.
Magic only had any influence when it came to isolating me from my peers, but even there open emotion simply is not done. I would not consider it a problem, in general, but it is getting in my way here.
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In that case, I can understand the question of culture, that may very well be the case here. The expectations you grew up in were vastly different than here, even without the nature of the city. Even in Thedas, hugging or touching or expressing emotion with someone you trust or care for is accepted and largely encouraged.
Honestly? It sounds like you could use practice. Idyll touch is the simplest form and can be done between friends or lovers and might make you more comfortable with the idea over all.
Of course, Hawke and I will be more than happy to practice kissing you in public. For my part, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but if I have your permission to make you uncomfortable, I'd be happy to hug and kiss you for an entire street to see.
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Though I will also practice with you, Hawke and perhaps Caleb.
[ He has... a friend? Maybe one and a half. ]
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As you'd like, of course. Hawke will be overjoyed. Caleb seems kind.
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He is. He's very good at putting me at ease and making me feel... his age, rather than a decade older, which is very odd.
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He's earnest and patient. I think he sounds like a good friend to have. One you can trust to practice with you without judgement and for the enjoyment of your company.
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Are you home?
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