[He waits patiently for her to start. This was her timetable and he would be there for her as long as she needed him. He wasn't just saying things when he said little else held the same importance. Even were Wolfe to reach out to him in his absence, explaining he was with Hermione would be answer enough. She was that important to the both of them.]
You mentioned the Seelie court...[his tone turns softer.] And that a lot of people died because your trust was misplaced. But I believe that was all you told me last.
[He suspected there was more, a place like that? He'd be surprised if there wasn't. But even as much as she'd told him was more than anyone should have had to go through, all on top of the war she'd had back home as well.]
[ It comes out quietly - because how can she not? She has no idea how many people died, but she had seen the ruins of the building. Her Sigil, her choice to hide it, her magic that she had broken - and Harry's trust in her, too, shattered into pieces. There's an awful urge to curl up around herself, but she stops, bowing her head instead. It's been three, four years, almost, she thinks, and she can still hear the hiss of Harry's voice in her heart, the sound of someone who loved her, once, and trusted her... But had lost that faith.
Breathing in, she forces herself to calm down, as best she can. ]
I'm trying very hard to... To stop having these dreams. These nightmares, because it's not fair. It's my home, and I want to remember it for the good parts, but all that seems to happen is that I see all the awful things that took place there. I - I try not to think about it all because I don't tell anyone, because I don't...
[ I don't want them to think I'm evil. Hermione recognises that she isn't, she's not bad, she's tried very hard to be a good person, but it's never worked out like that. Not really, with the blood on her hands. ]
[He wishes he were better about magic involving dreams, but he'd never seen the point in it when he could just heal nearly everything. Unfortunately, past traumas and heartbreak were part of that 'nearly.' But he wasn't without anything to offer.
He reached out to her, his hands curling around hers.]
You can't keep it all in, love. I understand, about all of it, I truly do. You want to keep it in your own mind because, that way, it can't hurt anyone else or change how they view you or somehow...taint them with the pain in your thoughts. But if you never share them, they'll destroy you and others will wonder what they could have done to help. They'll hurt because you hurt.
[He was a hypocrite. He knew he was bad about the same for the same reasons, but he knew that every time he told Wolfe what was poisoning his heart and Hawke did nothing more than hold him and assure him it would be okay, it made him feel at least a little better, even if he thought it might be an unwitting lie.]
I promise you: nothing you could ever tell me will change my thoughts about you, so tell me all of it, as you can. I swear to listen and be here, if not find a way to help.
[ His hands are warm and grounding, and Hermione breathes out, letting herself take the moment to calm down and relax. When she turns her head to look over at him, she's pale, the stark red of her scar prickling with an edge of something that looks a little metallic. ]
I don't want anyone to hurt because of me any more. I can't do that - I can't.
[ Shifting, she breathes in, once, then out, before she nods her head. She brought Anders here to help, and he's offering himself - even if she doesn't quite believe that his opinion of her won't change.
Biting her lip, she hesitates, tripping over her words, but... It's like tearing off a plaster, isn't it? ]
[He's quite a long moment, but he doesn't stop holding her and one of his hands moves to pet her hair after a beat. He wasn't...he didn't know what to think of that. Ate someone? How could that happen? He knew the place she was at before could affect her like how Atroma did sometimes, was it that or was this more...voluntary?
He couldn't just sit there guessing. Without thought, his Panacea grew a touch stronger to try and ease her emotional state a bit. When he finally responded, his voice was quiet, but soft.]
[ There's an awkwardness in the moment, and Hermione feels tense, uncertain, as if she can feel the way Anders' opinion of her is shifting. Eventually, she breathes out, swallowing back the tension that's making her want to bolt away already. ]
I was a high ranking member of the Seelie court, [ the most high ranking after the Queen and Lancelot, actually, but there's no need to mention that ] so there were a number of assassins sent after me. One of them came and used some kind of poison that stopped me from being able to use my natural magic and because of that Dorian, my best friend, ended up fighting them. He... He stood between me and then and took a blade meant for me, right through his stomach. He died in my hands.
[ She breathes out, clenching her fists. ]
Dorian - he was immortal, but I forgot. All I could see was his body and the blood and... And I transformed. I turned into a lion and I chased her down and I ate her.
[He could feel the tension in her, the pain, like his magic had no affect. Sometimes it didn't, sometimes the pain was too deep. He'd tried for days to make the Hawke estate filled to the brim with that same emotionally and physically soothing aura and it hadn't seemed to do anything for the one person he'd really wanted to help. Not until time and the others had done some of the work first. This was like that, except it seemed time hadn't held much kindness for Hermione.
He turned more towards her, moving to sit fully beside her so he could hold her close.]
I'm sorry you went through that. I can't say I fully understand, that's never happened to me, but I know what it is to lose yourself, especially in a moment of overwhelming emotion. It...can make you feel...less than human. Like a monster.
[He'd been trying to avoid the term, he didn't want to give her the wrong idea, but he didn't think he was far off in his assessment either. In some ways, they shared some of the worst similarities in their pasts. He held her tighter.]
...but I don't think you are. If anything, that emotion is what makes you more human. But when you hold power, it can manifest in the worst way.
[He brushed his lips against the top of her head.]
[ Hermione knows he's trying to help - Anders is family, now, and the warmth he offers her is far more than she could ever deserve - but it feels like a lead weight, and her hands shake as she breathes in and out, trying to calm herself down. It's the source of her nightmares, of her bad dreams, memories that haunt her years after the event. She doesn't understand how he can still want to sit beside her, knowing what he does.
But he holds her all the same, and she blinks back her tears, trying to tilt her head and be strong. ]
I felt like... An animal. Like I was everything that people thought about me. My title... I was the Lioness Courant. I was supposed to be the Protecter of Caer Glaem, but I didn't even have the chance to protect the people that meant the most to me.
[ She feels like a monster, sometimes, and... Slowly, hesitantly, she reaches up and takes the ring she wears around her neck off, breathing in and out, gritting her teeth. Just as carefully, she offers it out for Anders to look at. It's a beautiful thing, and she holds it carefully, as if it might break. ]
This is something else I need to talk about. Is that okay?
[There was nothing he could say that would make it better and it was a horrible feeling, but one he'd felt before. Sometimes, there wasn't anything that could make it better, no matter how strongly you wished it. Life just wasn't like that. Listening would have to be enough for now, listening and showing her nothing would change between them, no matter what she might say.]
Of course. I said anything, I meant it. It's a beautiful ring. Does the fact it looks like a flower mean anything?
[ A part of her can admit that she's not really looking to feel better, not entirely. Instead, she's trying to lighten the pressure on her chest, to admit to herself that things can be okay, that she doesn't have to suffer nightmares and uncertainty because of her own failings and misgivings. ]
No, not really. It was... Red because of the blood, I think.
[ Again, Hermione looks awkward. ]
A man named Gilgamesh proposed to me because he wanted to use my power to free the woman he claimed to love from a curse.
[ That also gives him pause and, if she wereto look at his face, she'd see a mixture of confusion, disgust, and anger as though none were quiet sure which should display stronger.]
So, he proposed to you simply to use you and your gifts for his own goals? For another woman? Andraste's ass, what a selfish prick!
Because he was my friend. [ Hermione grips the ring, expression tight and tense.
Her relationship with Gilgamesh is almost impossible to describe and explain, but she feels the weight of it on her chest all the same. ]
He was something called a Heroic Spirit - he needed a Master to survive, and he chose my friend Dorian. At first, I thought the same as you, that he was a complete prat, but... He'd never had a friend before. He'd always been alone, and he was good and kind to me. I was trying to help him become a better person, someone that I knew he could be. Sometimes I thought it was working, too.
[Maybe he said it wrong or too harshly, but he wound't apologize when he still sat unconvinced.
But he did understand what it meant to have a friend that wasn't used to the notion. And while a certain parallel could be made for Hermione and her friend's proposal and what Justice and Anders did, at least they could say it was for mutual benefit and survival and not for...whatever Gilgamesh's plan had been. It sounded sort of like if Anders had asked Justice to join with him purely to use his power to free and save Karl.]
I can understand that, I really can, but it does still sound as though he was simply using you, well-intention-ed or otherwise.
I think he was, at first. There's no way I can deny that, so I won't - it wouldn't be doing myself justice. I rejected him and I told him that I didn't want to hear any more about it unless he truly wanted to be my friend, so... I think in the end he did.
[ Fingers fumbling with the necklace, she offers it out for Anders to take. ]
I cared about him, and he grew so much over the few years we knew each other. I just... I know I need to move forward.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
apurrstate) wrote2016-05-03 09:35 pm
action
You mentioned the Seelie court...[his tone turns softer.] And that a lot of people died because your trust was misplaced. But I believe that was all you told me last.
[He suspected there was more, a place like that? He'd be surprised if there wasn't. But even as much as she'd told him was more than anyone should have had to go through, all on top of the war she'd had back home as well.]
action
[ It comes out quietly - because how can she not? She has no idea how many people died, but she had seen the ruins of the building. Her Sigil, her choice to hide it, her magic that she had broken - and Harry's trust in her, too, shattered into pieces. There's an awful urge to curl up around herself, but she stops, bowing her head instead. It's been three, four years, almost, she thinks, and she can still hear the hiss of Harry's voice in her heart, the sound of someone who loved her, once, and trusted her... But had lost that faith.
Breathing in, she forces herself to calm down, as best she can. ]
I'm trying very hard to... To stop having these dreams. These nightmares, because it's not fair. It's my home, and I want to remember it for the good parts, but all that seems to happen is that I see all the awful things that took place there. I - I try not to think about it all because I don't tell anyone, because I don't...
[ I don't want them to think I'm evil. Hermione recognises that she isn't, she's not bad, she's tried very hard to be a good person, but it's never worked out like that. Not really, with the blood on her hands. ]
I don't know what to do.
action
He reached out to her, his hands curling around hers.]
You can't keep it all in, love. I understand, about all of it, I truly do. You want to keep it in your own mind because, that way, it can't hurt anyone else or change how they view you or somehow...taint them with the pain in your thoughts. But if you never share them, they'll destroy you and others will wonder what they could have done to help. They'll hurt because you hurt.
[He was a hypocrite. He knew he was bad about the same for the same reasons, but he knew that every time he told Wolfe what was poisoning his heart and Hawke did nothing more than hold him and assure him it would be okay, it made him feel at least a little better, even if he thought it might be an unwitting lie.]
I promise you: nothing you could ever tell me will change my thoughts about you, so tell me all of it, as you can. I swear to listen and be here, if not find a way to help.
action
I don't want anyone to hurt because of me any more. I can't do that - I can't.
[ Shifting, she breathes in, once, then out, before she nods her head. She brought Anders here to help, and he's offering himself - even if she doesn't quite believe that his opinion of her won't change.
Biting her lip, she hesitates, tripping over her words, but... It's like tearing off a plaster, isn't it? ]
I ate someone.
action I'M SO SORRY I LOST THIS TAG
He couldn't just sit there guessing. Without thought, his Panacea grew a touch stronger to try and ease her emotional state a bit. When he finally responded, his voice was quiet, but soft.]
What happened?
action ITS OKAY!!!!
I was a high ranking member of the Seelie court, [ the most high ranking after the Queen and Lancelot, actually, but there's no need to mention that ] so there were a number of assassins sent after me. One of them came and used some kind of poison that stopped me from being able to use my natural magic and because of that Dorian, my best friend, ended up fighting them. He... He stood between me and then and took a blade meant for me, right through his stomach. He died in my hands.
[ She breathes out, clenching her fists. ]
Dorian - he was immortal, but I forgot. All I could see was his body and the blood and... And I transformed. I turned into a lion and I chased her down and I ate her.
action
This was like that, except it seemed time hadn't held much kindness for Hermione.
He turned more towards her, moving to sit fully beside her so he could hold her close.]
I'm sorry you went through that.
I can't say I fully understand, that's never happened to me, but I know what it is to lose yourself, especially in a moment of overwhelming emotion. It...can make you feel...less than human. Like a monster.
[He'd been trying to avoid the term, he didn't want to give her the wrong idea, but he didn't think he was far off in his assessment either. In some ways, they shared some of the worst similarities in their pasts. He held her tighter.]
...but I don't think you are. If anything, that emotion is what makes you more human. But when you hold power, it can manifest in the worst way.
[He brushed his lips against the top of her head.]
What can I do for you?
action
But he holds her all the same, and she blinks back her tears, trying to tilt her head and be strong. ]
I felt like... An animal. Like I was everything that people thought about me. My title... I was the Lioness Courant. I was supposed to be the Protecter of Caer Glaem, but I didn't even have the chance to protect the people that meant the most to me.
[ She feels like a monster, sometimes, and... Slowly, hesitantly, she reaches up and takes the ring she wears around her neck off, breathing in and out, gritting her teeth. Just as carefully, she offers it out for Anders to look at. It's a beautiful thing, and she holds it carefully, as if it might break. ]
This is something else I need to talk about. Is that okay?
action
Of course. I said anything, I meant it. It's a beautiful ring. Does the fact it looks like a flower mean anything?
action
No, not really. It was... Red because of the blood, I think.
[ Again, Hermione looks awkward. ]
A man named Gilgamesh proposed to me because he wanted to use my power to free the woman he claimed to love from a curse.
action
So, he proposed to you simply to use you and your gifts for his own goals? For another woman? Andraste's ass, what a selfish prick!
Why do you still have that thing?
action
Her relationship with Gilgamesh is almost impossible to describe and explain, but she feels the weight of it on her chest all the same. ]
He was something called a Heroic Spirit - he needed a Master to survive, and he chose my friend Dorian. At first, I thought the same as you, that he was a complete prat, but... He'd never had a friend before. He'd always been alone, and he was good and kind to me. I was trying to help him become a better person, someone that I knew he could be. Sometimes I thought it was working, too.
action
But he did understand what it meant to have a friend that wasn't used to the notion. And while a certain parallel could be made for Hermione and her friend's proposal and what Justice and Anders did, at least they could say it was for mutual benefit and survival and not for...whatever Gilgamesh's plan had been. It sounded sort of like if Anders had asked Justice to join with him purely to use his power to free and save Karl.]
I can understand that, I really can, but it does still sound as though he was simply using you, well-intention-ed or otherwise.
action
[ Fingers fumbling with the necklace, she offers it out for Anders to take. ]
I cared about him, and he grew so much over the few years we knew each other. I just... I know I need to move forward.