I don't know. Not to my knowledge, but I can't abide by the idea of the SLUT center. No one should be compelled or conditioned into sex. I've seen too much of that.
You're not wrong. I'm not sure I can explain how I see it fully without going into the way mages are treated back home and what I grew up with. I will, if you want to know.
If not, then please accept I see it differently both because I must and because I have practice with it.
The first is that I would like to know more about you, but only if you are comfortable telling me. I would also like to be able to tell you more about myself and my own world, but only what you are interested in knowing.
The second is that the effect of my actions on you matter, whether they are 'logical' or not. That influences any decisions I make regarding this City.
And, finally, none of that is required for me to accept what you are telling me.
I am similarly interested to know what you are willing to tell me. Some don't see a point in sharing what our homes were like because it is not the case here. However, how things were for each of us will affect how we act here, so I'd say it's important to know. I care about you as a person, that includes where you're from and what you've known. For my part, I'll tell you what I can, some things will be more difficult, but I will always try. I haven't always had the best track record for being honest, but I am trying to change that.
As my actions may effect you. Know that I will never do anything that I don't intend to take responsibility for. I signed a contract with you, Alaric, with the understanding I intended to use my position to shield you. From your consequences, my own, or the cit itself. You are your own person who will make your own decisions, but so long as a piece of paper ties our names together, I readily accept whatever comes with that.
Fair enough. Forgive me, in some ways, I am still getting used to being heard.
I feel as though you seeing yourself as a shield for me, particularly from my own actions, is something that could be an entirely separate, and likely very long conversation.
Therefore, one that needs to be had, but not necessarily in this moment.
Help me understand how you are compartmentalizing the SLUT center. With as much history as you are willing to give. Please.
I imagine you're correct there too. Perhaps a drink as well.
I feel as though I should make a schedule.
In Thedas, our religion is born from Andraste. Without going into too much detail, Andraste was the bride of the Maker and His prophet. She freed the South from evil mages who ruled the lands with the sacrifice of her life and she joined the Maker's side. Before she died, she made the statement 'magic is to serve man, not rule over him.'
Hundreds of years later, the Chantry (the institution set up to unify and spread the Chant of Light from Andraste) now says that means magic is a curse. Abhorent. Mages are less than regular men and are treated as such. When we are children, our magic manifests and the Chantry sends their soldiers, the templars, to take us from our homes, from our families, never to see them again. We're locked up in 'Circles' where we are granted a better education than most have, but forbidden from having normal lives. Mages are not allowed to own anything, go anywhere, or develop relationships. Love, sex, families, property -basic freedoms- are forbidden, and our lives are completely controlled.
The templars stay in the circles, ever vigilant, constantly watching our every move so that, should we act out of place, punishment may be reigned down upon us. With such power, many abuses are visited on mages daily with no course to seek help or salvation. Mages are hurt, raped, even framed for things they never did so that they may be made an example of to others.
I grew up with a threat of violence, sexual or otherwise, around me at all times. Duplicity is a circle: act the way we want and we won't hurt you further. It's a terrible city with horrible atrocities and inequalities that I intend to find a way to subvert at every angle I can, but if I must have sex dubiously willingly to avoid directly being raped or drugged, then that is a marginal step up from what I am used to.
If you know nothing else about me, Alaric, know this: I ran from the circle seven times, a number unheard of for a mage, because after two you are either killed or branded and put through a ritual that severs a mage from his magical ability, his capacity for emotion, and his capacity for autonomy. Being made tranquil is the worst thing that can happen to a mage and I risked it for my freedom over and over again. Friends I grew up with were made tranquil for various reasons, some of them became templar pets to be raped and abused at any given time because a Tranquil lacks the capacity to say no, others simply went about as husks, breathing but dead. My healing abilities are rare back home, that alone saved me from such a fate. These abuses were visited on people I loved more dearly than myself and, for that, I sought to tear the whole thing down. I took radical action to ensure no child grew up in fear like that again.
I don't live in Duplicity with complacency, I do it with patience. Sex is something I can enjoy when it is not physically forced upon me or those I care for, I will not abide the SLUT center because that is too much like home: the blade hanging above my neck.
[ He is horrified, but he is neither shocked nor surprised and the horror itself is not entirely unfamiliar to him. Neither is the information he has been given, unfortunately ]
My earliest clear memory is of the scent from a Deryni being burned to death.
[ Not looking for sympathy, at all, it just seems a good introduction to the fact that he is not unfamiliar with atrocities committed against those with magical ability. Also not going to talk about what's been done to him because that is not the point.]
I am uniquely positioned as a Deryni within my own world. My mother was Deryni, but my father was an Earl and Duke who loved her, anyway. She exposed herself as Deryni when I was little more than an infant, in providing testimony against the close relative of a very, very highly ranked church official. That of course, also exposed me. I was also bound, magically, when I was extremely young to the then King's eldest son, by the King and for the purpose of serving and protecting that son.
What I am has always been known. I have never lost my titles, my land, or my rank as General of the King's army. The boy I was bound to became King shortly after I was bound to him. I lived in court after my father died, until his wife was no longer able to tolerate my presence. The archbishop never stopped seeking revenge against my dead mother through me, and being Deryni never stopped being something to be feared and hated. My open position within the court and closeness to Brion made an open target of me, but also protected me.
I have been privileged from the beginning. I still am.
But I do not know how to separate meeting the requirements here from being complicit.
[There were few things in the world more horrifying and terrible than what people could do to one another. For as many worlds he'd been told about that didn't hate magic, he wished he could be surprised there was one that seemed to handle it as badly as Thedas did. It was terrible to think of a child experiencing that, knowing that what they were could be faced with death.
He didn't wish their experiences on anyone. He certainly didn't wish them on Alaric, but for all that he hated they had this background in common, he could appreciate that there was a certain amount of understanding to it as well. Something to take terrible solace in.]
It is. I won't lie to you, bending to the requirements is being complicit, but being complicit doesn't mean cowardice or resignation. It doesn't mean acceptance. It's understanding that some battles aren't worth fighting.
If you refuse to meet quota, you only hurt yourself, not them. It's lighting a fire at your feet and standing in the blaze rather than continuing to walk forward while leaving fires behind you.
I've been complicit and complacent before. Meeting quota is the former, not the latter, it's about survival today to really hurt them tomorrow.
[ He would prefer people not be tortured anywhere, much less for things beyond their control. He is, still, glad that there is a point of commonality, there.
It would be very, very hard to be understand or to be understood by with a background without that continual level of... fear and resistance.]
The distinction between complicit and complacent is a good, and useful, one. It's one I can accept.
Now, can we discuss why you think you feel the need to serve as a shield for me, particularly against the consequences of my own actions?
[He very nearly breathed a sigh of relief at that. He wasn't all knowing and he wouldn't call himself wise, but...hopefully he could help.]
I'm glad. If it continues to bother you, please know you can tell me.
As for the other. I signed a contract with you to grant you what freedom in this place I could, but also to protect you. I'm not seeking to take your autonomy: if you punch someone in a bar, I'll heal the bruises left behind, but I won't take his punch for you.
This place, however, is a broken and sharp thing. If it seeks to hurt you and I have the power and resistance to step between it and you, I will. Every time.
Would you like to know something that I have learned over a lifetime of service and protection?
[ Not waiting on the answer. ]
That a shield can turn away a near endless number of attacks, if it is used to deflect or redirect, but it can only take a limited number of direct blows before it breaks and is useless to the one who is wielding it.
I've been very good at deflecting all my life. Sometimes, though, those blows will fall on others.
I appreciate your advice. Still, if that is to be my fate, I welcome it. My life is not my own, I'm destined only to make amends for blood on my hands until the ground takes me back. I choose to do that through protection and healing of those around me, no matter the cost.
Edited (i'm so sorry i didn't think about it cause it's just anders being anders) 2020-09-07 00:35 (UTC)
Yes, that may be the difference. I served my queen for a bit, but that was another life. I suspect the difference is measurable.
Ha. Maybe, maybe not. I have a very strong attachment to my faith, but those from my world see it as wrong and that has made things complicated. I have done things that, I think, a priest would not find easy to forgive.
The man I saw burned to death was a man who's crime was being both Deryni and Priest. My cousin's name is Duncan, and he is Deryni. He is not a man of the Church, he is a man of God.
He is also clearly lacking self-preservation and certain types of intelligence.
All of that aside, he's seen me do some incredibly brutal things and seems to have not only forgiven me but to like me.
I take it all back, he's a man after my own heart and I wish I could speak with him.
"Magic should serve man, not rule over him." I hold to that, but the Andraste never meant mages should be enslaved and abused. Very few agree that was her intent, however. I imagine, should the Chantry ever get a hold of me, they would see me hung at minimum. Luckily, I don't care for their judgement either.
You say that like you're so hard to like. I happen to like you very much.
We seem to never find balance. Rulers who use their magic for terrible things -- and terrible things done to people, including ruler, because they have the ability.
As for my service to the King and his lineage and throne - the day I was named I was made the key to unlock his magical ability. I am not well liked. That has little to do with me, I acknowledge, but it has also never been a concern.
I'm glad you like me; we will see if that continues when you know me.
Perhaps that is simply the way of it. Perhaps there cannot be a peace between those with an ability and those without. That doesn't mean I won't hope to try.
That is an unkind thing to do to a child, a burden like that isn't something to be shoved on another. And then to bear the scorn as well?
[He was getting heated.]
It sounds to me like people not liking you has more to do with their bigotry than any failing on your part.
But, for the record, your liking me will have a similar caveat. I have a poor way with keeping friends and most seem to either like me, wish to strangle me, or both. So we shall see where you might fall in that.
My mother bore that scorn first, in exposing herself as Deryni to pursue justice. I would be known, regardless, and positioning me as near to the King as possible likely saved my life and title several times over.
That does mean, however, that you are very right: it's never been about me. Some people like me quite a bit. Others would like to throttle me. We'll figure out where we fall, together.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Text
[ Just...getting that out of the way first, before the actual question. ]
Does anything happen to you if one of us does not?
no subject
I don't know. Not to my knowledge, but I can't abide by the idea of the SLUT center. No one should be compelled or conditioned into sex. I've seen too much of that.
no subject
I'm certain that I am missing a good deal. I am relatively new, but are we not being compelled into sex, anyway?
no subject
If not, then please accept I see it differently both because I must and because I have practice with it.
no subject
The first is that I would like to know more about you, but only if you are comfortable telling me. I would also like to be able to tell you more about myself and my own world, but only what you are interested in knowing.
The second is that the effect of my actions on you matter, whether they are 'logical' or not. That influences any decisions I make regarding this City.
And, finally, none of that is required for me to accept what you are telling me.
no subject
I am similarly interested to know what you are willing to tell me. Some don't see a point in sharing what our homes were like because it is not the case here. However, how things were for each of us will affect how we act here, so I'd say it's important to know. I care about you as a person, that includes where you're from and what you've known. For my part, I'll tell you what I can, some things will be more difficult, but I will always try. I haven't always had the best track record for being honest, but I am trying to change that.
As my actions may effect you. Know that I will never do anything that I don't intend to take responsibility for. I signed a contract with you, Alaric, with the understanding I intended to use my position to shield you. From your consequences, my own, or the cit itself. You are your own person who will make your own decisions, but so long as a piece of paper ties our names together, I readily accept whatever comes with that.
Fair enough. Forgive me, in some ways, I am still getting used to being heard.
no subject
Therefore, one that needs to be had, but not necessarily in this moment.
Help me understand how you are compartmentalizing the SLUT center. With as much history as you are willing to give. Please.
CW: institutionalized rape and torture
I feel as though I should make a schedule.
In Thedas, our religion is born from Andraste. Without going into too much detail, Andraste was the bride of the Maker and His prophet. She freed the South from evil mages who ruled the lands with the sacrifice of her life and she joined the Maker's side. Before she died, she made the statement 'magic is to serve man, not rule over him.'
Hundreds of years later, the Chantry (the institution set up to unify and spread the Chant of Light from Andraste) now says that means magic is a curse. Abhorent. Mages are less than regular men and are treated as such. When we are children, our magic manifests and the Chantry sends their soldiers, the templars, to take us from our homes, from our families, never to see them again. We're locked up in 'Circles' where we are granted a better education than most have, but forbidden from having normal lives. Mages are not allowed to own anything, go anywhere, or develop relationships. Love, sex, families, property -basic freedoms- are forbidden, and our lives are completely controlled.
The templars stay in the circles, ever vigilant, constantly watching our every move so that, should we act out of place, punishment may be reigned down upon us. With such power, many abuses are visited on mages daily with no course to seek help or salvation. Mages are hurt, raped, even framed for things they never did so that they may be made an example of to others.
I grew up with a threat of violence, sexual or otherwise, around me at all times. Duplicity is a circle: act the way we want and we won't hurt you further. It's a terrible city with horrible atrocities and inequalities that I intend to find a way to subvert at every angle I can, but if I must have sex dubiously willingly to avoid directly being raped or drugged, then that is a marginal step up from what I am used to.
If you know nothing else about me, Alaric, know this: I ran from the circle seven times, a number unheard of for a mage, because after two you are either killed or branded and put through a ritual that severs a mage from his magical ability, his capacity for emotion, and his capacity for autonomy. Being made tranquil is the worst thing that can happen to a mage and I risked it for my freedom over and over again. Friends I grew up with were made tranquil for various reasons, some of them became templar pets to be raped and abused at any given time because a Tranquil lacks the capacity to say no, others simply went about as husks, breathing but dead. My healing abilities are rare back home, that alone saved me from such a fate. These abuses were visited on people I loved more dearly than myself and, for that, I sought to tear the whole thing down. I took radical action to ensure no child grew up in fear like that again.
I don't live in Duplicity with complacency, I do it with patience. Sex is something I can enjoy when it is not physically forced upon me or those I care for, I will not abide the SLUT center because that is too much like home: the blade hanging above my neck.
cw: religious persecution and torture
My earliest clear memory is of the scent from a Deryni being burned to death.
[ Not looking for sympathy, at all, it just seems a good introduction to the fact that he is not unfamiliar with atrocities committed against those with magical ability. Also not going to talk about what's been done to him because that is not the point.]
I am uniquely positioned as a Deryni within my own world. My mother was Deryni, but my father was an Earl and Duke who loved her, anyway. She exposed herself as Deryni when I was little more than an infant, in providing testimony against the close relative of a very, very highly ranked church official. That of course, also exposed me. I was also bound, magically, when I was extremely young to the then King's eldest son, by the King and for the purpose of serving and protecting that son.
What I am has always been known. I have never lost my titles, my land, or my rank as General of the King's army. The boy I was bound to became King shortly after I was bound to him. I lived in court after my father died, until his wife was no longer able to tolerate my presence. The archbishop never stopped seeking revenge against my dead mother through me, and being Deryni never stopped being something to be feared and hated. My open position within the court and closeness to Brion made an open target of me, but also protected me.
I have been privileged from the beginning. I still am.
But I do not know how to separate meeting the requirements here from being complicit.
no subject
He didn't wish their experiences on anyone. He certainly didn't wish them on Alaric, but for all that he hated they had this background in common, he could appreciate that there was a certain amount of understanding to it as well. Something to take terrible solace in.]
It is. I won't lie to you, bending to the requirements is being complicit, but being complicit doesn't mean cowardice or resignation. It doesn't mean acceptance. It's understanding that some battles aren't worth fighting.
If you refuse to meet quota, you only hurt yourself, not them. It's lighting a fire at your feet and standing in the blaze rather than continuing to walk forward while leaving fires behind you.
I've been complicit and complacent before. Meeting quota is the former, not the latter, it's about survival today to really hurt them tomorrow.
no subject
It would be very, very hard to be understand or to be understood by with a background without that continual level of... fear and resistance.]
The distinction between complicit and complacent is a good, and useful, one. It's one I can accept.
Now, can we discuss why you think you feel the need to serve as a shield for me, particularly against the consequences of my own actions?
no subject
I'm glad. If it continues to bother you, please know you can tell me.
As for the other. I signed a contract with you to grant you what freedom in this place I could, but also to protect you. I'm not seeking to take your autonomy: if you punch someone in a bar, I'll heal the bruises left behind, but I won't take his punch for you.
This place, however, is a broken and sharp thing. If it seeks to hurt you and I have the power and resistance to step between it and you, I will. Every time.
no subject
[ Not waiting on the answer. ]
That a shield can turn away a near endless number of attacks, if it is used to deflect or redirect, but it can only take a limited number of direct blows before it breaks and is useless to the one who is wielding it.
CW: slight suicidal ideation
I appreciate your advice. Still, if that is to be my fate, I welcome it. My life is not my own, I'm destined only to make amends for blood on my hands until the ground takes me back. I choose to do that through protection and healing of those around me, no matter the cost.
Re: CW: slight suicidal ideation
his throne. Not an ideal.
I think you would very much like my cousin, and he you. Even if he is a priest. Maybe because of it.
no subject
Ha. Maybe, maybe not. I have a very strong attachment to my faith, but those from my world see it as wrong and that has made things complicated. I have done things that, I think, a priest would not find easy to forgive.
no subject
He is also clearly lacking self-preservation and certain types of intelligence.
All of that aside, he's seen me do some incredibly brutal things and seems to have not only forgiven me but to like me.
no subject
"Magic should serve man, not rule over him." I hold to that, but the Andraste never meant mages should be enslaved and abused. Very few agree that was her intent, however. I imagine, should the Chantry ever get a hold of me, they would see me hung at minimum. Luckily, I don't care for their judgement either.
You say that like you're so hard to like. I happen to like you very much.
no subject
[ smug bastard. ]
We seem to never find balance.
Rulers who use their magic for terrible things -- and terrible things done to people, including ruler, because they have the ability.
As for my service to the King and his lineage and throne - the day I was named I was made the key to unlock his magical ability. I am not well liked. That has little to do with me, I acknowledge, but it has also never been a concern.
I'm glad you like me; we will see if that continues when you know me.
no subject
[He was amused, all the same.]
Perhaps that is simply the way of it. Perhaps there cannot be a peace between those with an ability and those without. That doesn't mean I won't hope to try.
That is an unkind thing to do to a child, a burden like that isn't something to be shoved on another. And then to bear the scorn as well?
[He was getting heated.]
It sounds to me like people not liking you has more to do with their bigotry than any failing on your part.
But, for the record, your liking me will have a similar caveat. I have a poor way with keeping friends and most seem to either like me, wish to strangle me, or both. So we shall see where you might fall in that.
no subject
That does mean, however, that you are very right: it's never been about me.
Some people like me quite a bit. Others would like to throttle me. We'll figure out where we fall, together.
And I look forward to the process.
no subject
Mine tried to save me as well. She didn't stand a chance. We have similarities as much as we have differences.
I'm looking forward to knowing you.