[Dean had gone radio silent, which wasn't normal, but with the usual end of the month junk and a bunch of shadows wandering around needing to be dealt with, he hoped it was merely poor timing and not something wrong with Dean.
And then he got the message and that made a lot more sense and, honestly, made him feel better.]
Good to hear you. Firstly: don't panic, no matter what it is you remember from home, he's perfectly all right. [Probably. He was still gather knowledge about how the process worked here, but it seemed the same.]
From what I've seen, he's possibly going through what you experienced or simply a kind of coma that seems to affect those pulled unnaturally from their homes. If it's the former, it could be he's out longer than you were or his started after yours. He might be able to tell you after he wakes up.
If it's the latter, he'll be fine, just keep a blanket on him and move his limbs for a bit every day. [If he had to guess: angels probably didn't actually need that done, but it would make Dean feel like he was helping and that was what mattered.]
[ Two words and both of them break on his voice. Truth is, this is the first time he's seen Cas since the dungeon. The moment Cas really showed how much he knew him, right down to his core. How much he sees him when sometimes Dean can't bear looking at himself.
Since he'd said "I love you" at home and then got swallowed up by the Empty.
This is the first chance that Dean's had to say a goddamn thing back, and Cas isn't awake. He's not even responsive.
It might just be an audio connection, but Dean's got tears rolling down his cheeks. His voice is thick with so much emotion he just doesn't know what to do with it all. ]
No. No, I uh...
[ He sniffs, presses the heel of his palm against his eye and rubs. ]
I got this. You sure he's gonna--
He'll wake up. He's gotta wake up. Right? He's gonna wake up.
[Two words and Anders' heart breaks for his friend. He's known that pain and he can hear Dean's in his voice; he doesn't need to see his face to know.
His tone is gentle when he answers, but firm.]
Dean. Listen. Are you listening? He will wake up and he will be okay, no matter what happened to him last. He may remember what you do, he may not be there yet. Whatever the case, tell him and be there for him.
[ Hoarse, falling apart, but not out for the count just yet. He feels broken but he knows he's not now. He knows he's got more than that.
It's because of Cas that he knows that, and that thought has him holding his breath to try and not let out the sob that's trying to work its way loose.
He takes a moment, then another, and then clears his throat. ]
He died at home and neither of us remembered...
[ Neither of them remembered what they'd already told each other here. ]
I didn't get to say it back.
[ He's not making all that much sense now, his head dropping into his hands, shaking back and forth like he's reliving that moment over and over. He does. At night. When it's just him alone. ]
[He has to take a moment to parse through what Dean's trying to say and the only reason he thinks he manages is because he's been here before. Not exactly here, with what Dean's describing, but close enough.
Not remembering what had been said or talked of before with the intention of it mattering when you got home, only to continue on as though you had no idea things were meant to be different now. And the rest?
Softness joins the gentle, something soothing in his tone to try and ease the pain and fear he can hear even while he's not there.
Maker, part of him wants to run over there now...but Dean had said he was fine and Anders was trying to respect that.]
You can tell him here, Dean. Nothing's been broken that can't be fixed. You're still here and he's still here and no matter what he remembers of your lives back home, he will remember being here and what you've said already. Simply tell him again.
[ He's listening hard to Anders' voice because he needs it. Sitting in this room with Cas hadn't been anything outside of the only thing he wants to do. But the silence is deafening. Cas doesn't need to breathe, so as much as he knows this, there's something about a complete lack of it that rattles him. He'd thought about playing some music off his phone, but that hadn't felt right either.
He'd talked to Cas. Begged him to wake up. Told him he loves him. Started talking about random topics just to try and drown out the eerie silence, but it's Anders' voice that he's all but clinging on to now. ]
He died for me. And if-- when he wakes up, I'm not gonna pretend like that didn't mean as much as it does. He was happy, man. And it all happened so fast but the things he said to me... nobody's said that to me before.
Nobody's ever seen everything that I am and chosen to love me anyway.
[And isn't that everything? Having someone like that? Someone who can see and know all the rotten things about you, nod when you point them out, and stay at your side all the same? Even when you've practically put a dagger in their hand to end it all.]
Look at you...you've already figured out the most important part, though. Having someone like that and trying to do right by them. You said you didn't have the chance to tell him before, but you will here -when he wakes up- you'll tell him and make that right. If I know anything about love, it's that he'll be happy just to see you, especially seeing you waiting for him.
Did I tell you about the time I went to sleep and lived through ten years of my life in the span of two weeks?
[ Thing is, with everything that happened back home and his connection to Anders here, this conversation and the feelings he's putting into words doesn't feel uncomfortable at all. Sharing how he feels about Cas with the other man, reaffirming it, even, feels like something he's not ashamed of.
Still, at the question he shakes his head and then remembers Anders can't see him. When he speaks again, he sounds a little less like he's about to fall apart. ]
I don't think so? Kinda feel like I woulda remembered that.
[The distraction seems to help, if he's any good at guessing his friend's voice over the device, but he still has a point to make so continues.]
It makes people uncomfortable to hear about: both my having been in a different place before this one and how long I spent 'back home' while only two weeks passed there. It's not a topic I bring up often.
Hawke was in the fleet at the time, he knew me, but I hadn't yet met him from when I had arrived. I was twenty-five and didn't meet him until I was twenty-six, so you can imagine how...hard that was. Anyway, I go into a coma for two solid weeks and he watches over me nearly day and night as I age rapidly, scars appearing that weren't there before, a few more lines, more than one bought of malnutrition, all while I caught up with him and woke up as he last remembered me from home.
There'd been a lot that we'd been through, a lot that had happened just as I woke again in the fleet, and then as I woke, memories of the fleet felt both recent and a decade old and it was confusing and strange. But you know what helped the most? Opening my eyes and seeing Wolfe there, waiting, hoping I'd know his face when I saw him again. None of my confusion or turmoil mattered for the few moments when all that existed was Hawke at my side.
If I were to bet anything, it's that Castiel will feel the same.
[ Listening with his head propped up on his chin, Anders' voice is soothing in a way that Dean hadn't realized he'd needed. His friend explains a situation that's not all that different to what's going on right now. Not that him and Cas didn't know each other before, but there's six years difference between them.
He knows without any doubt that it doesn't matter. Whatever doubts or concerns he'd had before, all the things he'd tried to confess to, despite all of that they'd still found themselves craving just being with each other.
So when Anders finishes, Dean feels lighter. More hopeful. A spark of it now where before there was blank nothingness. His friend is giving him more than just platitudes. He's giving him so much more. ]
Thanks.
[ Pausing to clear his throat, voice hoarse with emotion, he licks his lips and takes in a deep, almost calming breath. ]
I appreciate you telling me that. And yeah, it helps. I just want to be here for him when he does. And if he doesn't remember everything that I do? It doesn't matter, as long as he's okay.
[He listens to Dean clear his throat, the tell-tale emotion in it, but also the deep breath. That was the key: remembering to breathe. He was glad Dean was able to find that step at least. The rest would follow.
He smiles to himself, cheek pressed in his palm as he listens to his friend talk.]
Good. You'll be all right, Dean. You both will be, I promise. And I'll do what I can to help make sure that stays true.
[ That steadying breath falters but only because he feels so deeply about knowing that Anders will do everything he can and that means a lot. So much that for a second words fail him.
Swallowing down his emotion, he scrubs at his eyes, hot and watery. ]
[He smiles a bit to himself, a hand coming up to scrape along the scruff of his jaw. He wanted to do more, but there really wasn't much beyond waiting and making sure Dean took cate of himself in the meantime.]
You better. I'll text you now and again to make sure you're eating in the meantime.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
audio; un: angusfreakingyoung (private) DEC 3RD
First port of call is one person only. ]
Okay, so I uh...
[ Where to even freaking start. ]
Raincheck on the whole... explaining sleeping for a week and waking up with new memories thing. I swear I'll tell you everything.
Dude, Cas won't wake up. And I thought he was--
[ He is dead, back in their world. ]
What do I do? How do I help him?
audio; un: panacea | Private forever
And then he got the message and that made a lot more sense and, honestly, made him feel better.]
Good to hear you. Firstly: don't panic, no matter what it is you remember from home, he's perfectly all right. [Probably. He was still gather knowledge about how the process worked here, but it seemed the same.]
From what I've seen, he's possibly going through what you experienced or simply a kind of coma that seems to affect those pulled unnaturally from their homes. If it's the former, it could be he's out longer than you were or his started after yours. He might be able to tell you after he wakes up.
If it's the latter, he'll be fine, just keep a blanket on him and move his limbs for a bit every day. [If he had to guess: angels probably didn't actually need that done, but it would make Dean feel like he was helping and that was what mattered.]
Do you need me to come over?
no subject
[ Two words and both of them break on his voice. Truth is, this is the first time he's seen Cas since the dungeon. The moment Cas really showed how much he knew him, right down to his core. How much he sees him when sometimes Dean can't bear looking at himself.
Since he'd said "I love you" at home and then got swallowed up by the Empty.
This is the first chance that Dean's had to say a goddamn thing back, and Cas isn't awake. He's not even responsive.
It might just be an audio connection, but Dean's got tears rolling down his cheeks. His voice is thick with so much emotion he just doesn't know what to do with it all. ]
No. No, I uh...
[ He sniffs, presses the heel of his palm against his eye and rubs. ]
I got this. You sure he's gonna--
He'll wake up. He's gotta wake up. Right? He's gonna wake up.
no subject
His tone is gentle when he answers, but firm.]
Dean. Listen. Are you listening? He will wake up and he will be okay, no matter what happened to him last. He may remember what you do, he may not be there yet. Whatever the case, tell him and be there for him.
You do have this.
no subject
[ Hoarse, falling apart, but not out for the count just yet. He feels broken but he knows he's not now. He knows he's got more than that.
It's because of Cas that he knows that, and that thought has him holding his breath to try and not let out the sob that's trying to work its way loose.
He takes a moment, then another, and then clears his throat. ]
He died at home and neither of us remembered...
[ Neither of them remembered what they'd already told each other here. ]
I didn't get to say it back.
[ He's not making all that much sense now, his head dropping into his hands, shaking back and forth like he's reliving that moment over and over. He does. At night. When it's just him alone. ]
Everything happened so fast and I--
I didn't get to tell him at home.
no subject
Not remembering what had been said or talked of before with the intention of it mattering when you got home, only to continue on as though you had no idea things were meant to be different now. And the rest?
Softness joins the gentle, something soothing in his tone to try and ease the pain and fear he can hear even while he's not there.
Maker, part of him wants to run over there now...but Dean had said he was fine and Anders was trying to respect that.]
You can tell him here, Dean. Nothing's been broken that can't be fixed. You're still here and he's still here and no matter what he remembers of your lives back home, he will remember being here and what you've said already. Simply tell him again.
no subject
He'd talked to Cas. Begged him to wake up. Told him he loves him. Started talking about random topics just to try and drown out the eerie silence, but it's Anders' voice that he's all but clinging on to now. ]
He died for me. And if-- when he wakes up, I'm not gonna pretend like that didn't mean as much as it does. He was happy, man. And it all happened so fast but the things he said to me... nobody's said that to me before.
Nobody's ever seen everything that I am and chosen to love me anyway.
no subject
Look at you...you've already figured out the most important part, though. Having someone like that and trying to do right by them. You said you didn't have the chance to tell him before, but you will here -when he wakes up- you'll tell him and make that right. If I know anything about love, it's that he'll be happy just to see you, especially seeing you waiting for him.
Did I tell you about the time I went to sleep and lived through ten years of my life in the span of two weeks?
no subject
Still, at the question he shakes his head and then remembers Anders can't see him. When he speaks again, he sounds a little less like he's about to fall apart. ]
I don't think so? Kinda feel like I woulda remembered that.
no subject
It makes people uncomfortable to hear about: both my having been in a different place before this one and how long I spent 'back home' while only two weeks passed there. It's not a topic I bring up often.
Hawke was in the fleet at the time, he knew me, but I hadn't yet met him from when I had arrived. I was twenty-five and didn't meet him until I was twenty-six, so you can imagine how...hard that was. Anyway, I go into a coma for two solid weeks and he watches over me nearly day and night as I age rapidly, scars appearing that weren't there before, a few more lines, more than one bought of malnutrition, all while I caught up with him and woke up as he last remembered me from home.
There'd been a lot that we'd been through, a lot that had happened just as I woke again in the fleet, and then as I woke, memories of the fleet felt both recent and a decade old and it was confusing and strange. But you know what helped the most? Opening my eyes and seeing Wolfe there, waiting, hoping I'd know his face when I saw him again. None of my confusion or turmoil mattered for the few moments when all that existed was Hawke at my side.
If I were to bet anything, it's that Castiel will feel the same.
no subject
He knows without any doubt that it doesn't matter. Whatever doubts or concerns he'd had before, all the things he'd tried to confess to, despite all of that they'd still found themselves craving just being with each other.
So when Anders finishes, Dean feels lighter. More hopeful. A spark of it now where before there was blank nothingness. His friend is giving him more than just platitudes. He's giving him so much more. ]
Thanks.
[ Pausing to clear his throat, voice hoarse with emotion, he licks his lips and takes in a deep, almost calming breath. ]
I appreciate you telling me that. And yeah, it helps. I just want to be here for him when he does. And if he doesn't remember everything that I do? It doesn't matter, as long as he's okay.
no subject
He smiles to himself, cheek pressed in his palm as he listens to his friend talk.]
Good. You'll be all right, Dean. You both will be, I promise. And I'll do what I can to help make sure that stays true.
no subject
Swallowing down his emotion, he scrubs at his eyes, hot and watery. ]
I'll uh-- I'll keep you updated.
no subject
You better. I'll text you now and again to make sure you're eating in the meantime.