[ Thing is, with everything that happened back home and his connection to Anders here, this conversation and the feelings he's putting into words doesn't feel uncomfortable at all. Sharing how he feels about Cas with the other man, reaffirming it, even, feels like something he's not ashamed of.
Still, at the question he shakes his head and then remembers Anders can't see him. When he speaks again, he sounds a little less like he's about to fall apart. ]
I don't think so? Kinda feel like I woulda remembered that.
[The distraction seems to help, if he's any good at guessing his friend's voice over the device, but he still has a point to make so continues.]
It makes people uncomfortable to hear about: both my having been in a different place before this one and how long I spent 'back home' while only two weeks passed there. It's not a topic I bring up often.
Hawke was in the fleet at the time, he knew me, but I hadn't yet met him from when I had arrived. I was twenty-five and didn't meet him until I was twenty-six, so you can imagine how...hard that was. Anyway, I go into a coma for two solid weeks and he watches over me nearly day and night as I age rapidly, scars appearing that weren't there before, a few more lines, more than one bought of malnutrition, all while I caught up with him and woke up as he last remembered me from home.
There'd been a lot that we'd been through, a lot that had happened just as I woke again in the fleet, and then as I woke, memories of the fleet felt both recent and a decade old and it was confusing and strange. But you know what helped the most? Opening my eyes and seeing Wolfe there, waiting, hoping I'd know his face when I saw him again. None of my confusion or turmoil mattered for the few moments when all that existed was Hawke at my side.
If I were to bet anything, it's that Castiel will feel the same.
[ Listening with his head propped up on his chin, Anders' voice is soothing in a way that Dean hadn't realized he'd needed. His friend explains a situation that's not all that different to what's going on right now. Not that him and Cas didn't know each other before, but there's six years difference between them.
He knows without any doubt that it doesn't matter. Whatever doubts or concerns he'd had before, all the things he'd tried to confess to, despite all of that they'd still found themselves craving just being with each other.
So when Anders finishes, Dean feels lighter. More hopeful. A spark of it now where before there was blank nothingness. His friend is giving him more than just platitudes. He's giving him so much more. ]
Thanks.
[ Pausing to clear his throat, voice hoarse with emotion, he licks his lips and takes in a deep, almost calming breath. ]
I appreciate you telling me that. And yeah, it helps. I just want to be here for him when he does. And if he doesn't remember everything that I do? It doesn't matter, as long as he's okay.
[He listens to Dean clear his throat, the tell-tale emotion in it, but also the deep breath. That was the key: remembering to breathe. He was glad Dean was able to find that step at least. The rest would follow.
He smiles to himself, cheek pressed in his palm as he listens to his friend talk.]
Good. You'll be all right, Dean. You both will be, I promise. And I'll do what I can to help make sure that stays true.
[ That steadying breath falters but only because he feels so deeply about knowing that Anders will do everything he can and that means a lot. So much that for a second words fail him.
Swallowing down his emotion, he scrubs at his eyes, hot and watery. ]
[He smiles a bit to himself, a hand coming up to scrape along the scruff of his jaw. He wanted to do more, but there really wasn't much beyond waiting and making sure Dean took cate of himself in the meantime.]
You better. I'll text you now and again to make sure you're eating in the meantime.
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Still, at the question he shakes his head and then remembers Anders can't see him. When he speaks again, he sounds a little less like he's about to fall apart. ]
I don't think so? Kinda feel like I woulda remembered that.
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It makes people uncomfortable to hear about: both my having been in a different place before this one and how long I spent 'back home' while only two weeks passed there. It's not a topic I bring up often.
Hawke was in the fleet at the time, he knew me, but I hadn't yet met him from when I had arrived. I was twenty-five and didn't meet him until I was twenty-six, so you can imagine how...hard that was. Anyway, I go into a coma for two solid weeks and he watches over me nearly day and night as I age rapidly, scars appearing that weren't there before, a few more lines, more than one bought of malnutrition, all while I caught up with him and woke up as he last remembered me from home.
There'd been a lot that we'd been through, a lot that had happened just as I woke again in the fleet, and then as I woke, memories of the fleet felt both recent and a decade old and it was confusing and strange. But you know what helped the most? Opening my eyes and seeing Wolfe there, waiting, hoping I'd know his face when I saw him again. None of my confusion or turmoil mattered for the few moments when all that existed was Hawke at my side.
If I were to bet anything, it's that Castiel will feel the same.
no subject
He knows without any doubt that it doesn't matter. Whatever doubts or concerns he'd had before, all the things he'd tried to confess to, despite all of that they'd still found themselves craving just being with each other.
So when Anders finishes, Dean feels lighter. More hopeful. A spark of it now where before there was blank nothingness. His friend is giving him more than just platitudes. He's giving him so much more. ]
Thanks.
[ Pausing to clear his throat, voice hoarse with emotion, he licks his lips and takes in a deep, almost calming breath. ]
I appreciate you telling me that. And yeah, it helps. I just want to be here for him when he does. And if he doesn't remember everything that I do? It doesn't matter, as long as he's okay.
no subject
He smiles to himself, cheek pressed in his palm as he listens to his friend talk.]
Good. You'll be all right, Dean. You both will be, I promise. And I'll do what I can to help make sure that stays true.
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Swallowing down his emotion, he scrubs at his eyes, hot and watery. ]
I'll uh-- I'll keep you updated.
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You better. I'll text you now and again to make sure you're eating in the meantime.