[It's a not so special day. Wolfe is flopped on the floor, wedged in a corner so he can prop his crossed legs up against the opposite wall and brace his back against the bunk as he clicks away on his communicator, trying out a few of the other games Crowley has on the network idly. Anders has the bed; the only reason he's alone on it is because this is one of the rare times that Pounce has deigned to offer his magnanimous presence to Hawke and is currently curled up in the Champion's lap purring and occasionally kneading his thigh. Anders has expressed to him before that this is a form of affection, but Wolfe could do without the claws stabbing his tender flesh every so often without warning.
Even so, there's a companionable silence, both men going about their own business but comforted by the very presence of the other. Still, these silences creep in on Adalwolfe, especially when the games no longer seem so engaging and he starts to wonder about things that really don't need wondered about.
At length, he brings down the communicator and looks over at Anders, worrying at his lower lip a bit.]
[Anders, for his part, was taking the opportunity of having the bed to himself to sprawl down the middle of it. A book he'd borrowed from Hermione in his hand and Drools curled up against his thigh, snuffling in his sleep, Anders had barely been paying attention when Hawke spoke up.
A brief pause and the book was slowly lowered to Anders' side as he looked over at Hawke with an expression of pure confusion.]
[Hawke sets the communicator aside entirely, unable to really shift any further on account of the cat, but he does tilt his head back against the mattress so he can look at Anders at least a little but more directly.]
I know I get wrapped up in things. I don't think I've been here for you as much as I should have, after Justice.
[Truthfully he's been around, he just hasn't thought of a way to talk about it, and Anders isn't usually very forthcoming about what he's thinking. Well, no, he's very forthcoming with opinions, but it's when it comes to himself that mum's the word and it leaves Adalwolfe having to guess. Which he's usually quite good at, but this? This he has no idea how to approach and to his mind that means they're drifting apart and the world could crash down at any moment.
Which is hyperbole and he's aware, but at the least he needs to know if he's bunked it all up, especially considering that even back after Kirkwall when they'd been on the run he'd been looking for a way of separating Anders and the spirit. He'd never once asked Anders if he wanted to be separated, or asked him to help, or anything. He'd just decided that was how it was going to be because that's how it had to be. He'd never even considered Anders' feelings on Justice before coming to the fleet. They'd been friends first, before they were terrible influences on each other.]
[Anders' head tilted slightly like a confused cat, but there was still a touch of amusement in his eyes and voice, born from disbelief that they were even having this conversation.]
I don't understand, love, where have you gotten this notion from? You've always been there for me, even before we were together. If you're worried about your 'performance' as my partner and lover, rest assured I've never had any complaints. In either case.
[But that clearly wasn't all of it, joking aside. Anders left the book forgotten where it fell to the mattress and moved down the bed to lift Hawke's head and encourage him to lay it back against Anders' thigh, leaving Drools to curl up in the warm spot Anders had left behind.]
[He rests his temple against Anders' leg, looking at the wall instead of craning his neck and risking a kink in it to look at his boyfriend directly.]
I mean, I did finally ask Justice near the end there, but I never asked you. Never once. I just thought oh, he must want to separate from that spirit because look what's happened. But I never talked to you about it. It was different than I thought, talking to him, and seeing him whole. He was your friend first, he was...
[He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment.]
Like Cole. Spirits are their own people, and I just never thought that you'd have been friends like people.
[He grimaces, opening his eyes again.]
That sounds awful, but I hope you understand what I mean.
[Gently, his fingers stroke through thick white hair while Anders thinks over his words.]
He was like Cole, in his own way. I don't think...he had so much autonomy? From the virtue he represented. Cole was Compassion, but he could still hate. No, I suppose that isn't fair. Justice thrived on preserving and seeking justice for wrongs around him, but he still wanted; he was no mindless wisp.
I remember, he once longed for a connection to another person as Kristoff, the body he inhabited, had had with his wife, Aura. He longed to help Aura and, after a time, he realized it wasn't just for Kristoff's sake any longer. Justice also loved Lyrium, likely more than anything he ever experienced. He said he could hear it sing and it's song moved him, probably to tears if he'd been capable of it.
[There was a brief pause and Anders' fingers stopped, sliding a strand of Hawke's hair between his fingers.]
I heard it, very briefly. Justice had taken over during a fight...and Fenris was there. The lyrium brands flared up and it was like someone had started singing just nearby. I could always sort of hear it, after that. Like a song you can't get out of your head, but not poisonous like the Calling. It's gone now, though. Probably for the best, though.
[He'd been able to avoid a conversation about 'so your tattoos sing, it's very lovely' so far and he'd kept his heart in his ribcage for the effort, so at least now that was out of the way.]
No, love...you didn't ask...but I didn't argue, either. Truthfully, even if you had asked, I'm not sure what my answer would have been. Joining with Justice was a mistake, one that could have killed us both and resulted in too much suffering. But the unknown is just as frightening.
[Anders mentions the song and Wolfe can't help but tense, just a little. If he'd said anything to Fenris, Kirkwall likely would have ended very differently... It's a good thing Anders is not a stupid man.]
I was afraid to.
[He lets that sink in. The man who stood up to a city full of armed Qunari and laughed almost maniacally after being skewered by their leader. The man who, when faced with a high dragon with only three companions at his back, took on a gleam in his eye and ran head-first into battle. The man who faced a crazed zealot Templar that could animate statues and shoot lasers because someone had to shut her down. That man is scared of even the smallest disapproval from someone he loves.]
Not just because he might have done something to you. Taken over. But because I... well. I thought you'd disapprove, that you'd fight me on it because he was in there and influencing your opinions. He did that more than you realize, I think. Or even more frightening to me, that you'd disapprove all on your own. Be angry at me for not seeing Justice how you saw him. A victim, in his own right where for so long I just saw a parasite.
[He sighs heavily, leaning further back to push his face into Anders' hand.]
[He doesn't comment on the mention of Justice affecting him. The blackouts he hadn't mentioned to Adalwolfe came to mind and their conversation about Marian's blood magic and Fenris and Merrill and even Isabela to a degree. He thought of how he'd been when he'd arrived here...and how he was now.
What could he do about it now? What was the point in even thinking too hard on it?
Anders shook his head and brushed his thumb across Hawke's cheek.]
My love, I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me about something. That isn't what I want for us and I'm sorry I gave you that impression.
I don't know what I would have thought or said, but I would never be angry with you because of your concern. Your concern for others is part of what I love about you.
Do you want to know a secret? I think Justice was, perhaps, a little jealous. I was the only connection he had left and I would have chosen you over him, if it had come down to it. You, your happiness and well-being and your opinion matter more to me than anything else in the world.
[Adalwolfe accepts Anders' hand on his cheek, moving to kiss into his palm as the healer talks. He says that, but what if there are differences? Anders had maintained for the longest time that he and Justice had become one person, and while that clearly wasn't the case there were some deep ties. What if there are differences now? He has no doubt that all of the love and affection came from Anders himself - Justice and Vengeance are still concepts that while they can be based on love, it's a different sort of thing - but the other differences. Will Anders not be as passionate about his work? Will he back down from things where he wouldn't have before? Is that even a bad thing? He doesn't know.
But maybe Anders doesn't either.
They'll find out together, he supposes. Really together. He's not going to have to hide anything he's concerned about any longer for fear of Anders being suddenly taken over by an angry spirit.]
Hmm, so you're saying I stole you away from your spirit-boyfriend?
[He quirks an eyebrow, amused at the very thought.]
[The look that crossed Anders' face was one that clearly said 'I cannot believe you just said that.' Unfortunately, he could believe it. All in one motion, Anders' hand was away from Hawke's cheek and his leg was out from under Hawke's head as Anders shifted and turned to curl up with the dog instead.
He'll take the dog over his boyfriend with his terrible jokes.]
Yes, clearly and I obviously made the wrong choice.
[Feel that cold shoulder, Hawke, as Anders scratches behind Drool's ears instead.]
[With Anders' sudden withdrawal, Adalwolfe's head falls back and hits the bed frame, causing the man to yelp and curl over with both hands on the back of his head, which in turn disrupts Pounce who gives him a scathing look and removes himself from Adalwolfe's presence, also preferring the company of Anders and Drools.]
Oh for-- I didn't think your ability to take a joke when off with Justice.
[He pouts at Anders, still rubbing his poor bruised head with one hand.]
[He bites back a snicker and maintains his 'broody' silence. When Pounce joined them, now perched on Anders' hip, the healer busied both hands with scratching their pets.]
Don't worry, love, I'm sure there's a non-possessed mage around somewhere who doesn't have an ex-spirit-boyfriend who can take care of that for you. Isn't that right, Ser-Pounce-a-Lot? Between you and Ser Drools, I'm surrounded by knights in furry armor.
You really need to work on your invitations, then, if you're wanting me to attend.
[Even so he slides himself up on the bed. It's a bit cramped with both men and both their pets but considering it's for cuddling and not sleeping, that suits Adalwolfe just fine. He folds himself in around Anders, encompassing his love the best he can and presses a kiss against his neck.]
[It was one of those moments where time seemed to slow. Their first night together had been like that, like the dawn may never come and they may end up wrapped up in each other forever...and Anders had longed for it so strongly his heart had ached.
Now he found time slowing and growing more simple and instead of an ache, his heart hummed with happiness Anders had learned to associate with Adalwolfe. No one made him happier.
He snuggled in as close as he could to ensure no room remained between them, a warm pile of man and animal on the small bed. A beat later, the silence was broken by Anders' gentle tone.]
What if we stayed this way? Like this? I think I agree with you, love...perhaps Thedas isn't where we should settle. The whole universe is at our fingertips...we could go anywhere, somewhere like the planet with the Giving Tree, someplace we could build a life again and, this time, stay there.
[Maker, how selfish he was to even think it, to voice it..? But he couldn't deny he wanted it so badly.]
[It slips out before he has a chance to edit. Sometimes he's just too at ease with Anders and his brain decides his words don't need a once over before exiting his mouth. With a little groan and the huff of a laugh, Adalwolfe buries his nose in Anders' shoulder.]
What I mean is yes, I want that. Of course I want that. Weisshaupt will get word eventually without me. They probably already know at least that the false calling is over, since they're not hearing it any longer.
[He raises his head again and presses his forehead against Anders', sliding his hands into his love's as if that hold can anchor him here away from Thedas, away from dissenting thoughts. What about Carver? What about the mages? What about Corypheus? He's your responsibility. They all are.]
A cottage together. Maybe by the sea this time.
[Fuck responsibility. He tightens his hold on Anders' hands.]
[Anders' fingers curl tight in Hawke's, an anchor against what he's sure is in his love's head, especially since he can feel it in his own. Doubts, misgivings, fears...but Maker all he wanted was for them to have that peace.]
By the sea would be nice...we could still keep a garden if we had fertile land nearby. We could go into town now and again, sell potions or whatever else we make and make a quiet life for ourselves.
[A small scoff huffed from Anders' throat and he shook his head.]
When I was little, I wanted anything but a quiet life. I dreamed of adventures and grand tales and travel, but now simple is all I want. As long as you're with me, love.
[Anders settles happily into their cozy position of being curled around each other and lets his mind wonder back to the time in question.]
Oh yes, there was definitely some of that. I often led the children in my town on grand adventures , the leader of my very own adventurous company. More than that, however, I think my fondest daydreams were the ones were I was off exploring the unexplored, a daring rogue living off wit and the thrill of exploration.
Oh I was always a dragon for my siblings games. I think I told you that before, about how Carver would "slay" me to save Bethy. He always went too hard, that one, and I ended up with splinters in unfortunate places from his wooden sword.
[Adalwolfe snorts, but it's a fond noise. He's quiet for a long moment afterwards, the mirth draining out of him.]
Once Bethy got her magic, we didn't really play games anymore. I wanted more than anything to be that dragon and carry her away to where no Templars could ever find us.
[Anders moves, sadly breaking their little coil, but only so he can press himself close again and leave a long, lingering kiss on Hawke's lips.]
I love you. I feel like I might not have sad it recently, but I can't bare the thought you might forget without the reminder.
[It might seem out of nowhere to anyone else, but it really wasn't. Talking about their childhoods, about the goal Anders had championed, determined to carry the burden alone, only to find Hawke who was willing to help him carry it. The fact this whole conversation had started with Adalwolfe doubting something so fundamentally set in Anders' opinion. The sky was blue and Adalwolfe Hawke was more than what Anders could ever hope to deserve. He wasn't just a good boyfriend, he was exactly what Anders' heart needed to keep going.]
[The kiss goes on for an age and Adalwolfe is happy to receive it. Any doubt he'd had before, the niggling discomfort that had prompted his initial question in the first place, is laid to rest in that kiss. When Anders pulls away, it's to a beatific smile from Hawke.]
I won't forget.
[He reaches up and runs his fingers down a lock of Anders' hair, twisting it gently.]
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apurrstate) wrote2016-05-03 09:35 pm
action, whenever while floating
Even so, there's a companionable silence, both men going about their own business but comforted by the very presence of the other. Still, these silences creep in on Adalwolfe, especially when the games no longer seem so engaging and he starts to wonder about things that really don't need wondered about.
At length, he brings down the communicator and looks over at Anders, worrying at his lower lip a bit.]
Am I a bad boyfriend?
action
A brief pause and the book was slowly lowered to Anders' side as he looked over at Hawke with an expression of pure confusion.]
What? Where did that come from?
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[Hawke sets the communicator aside entirely, unable to really shift any further on account of the cat, but he does tilt his head back against the mattress so he can look at Anders at least a little but more directly.]
I know I get wrapped up in things. I don't think I've been here for you as much as I should have, after Justice.
[Truthfully he's been around, he just hasn't thought of a way to talk about it, and Anders isn't usually very forthcoming about what he's thinking. Well, no, he's very forthcoming with opinions, but it's when it comes to himself that mum's the word and it leaves Adalwolfe having to guess. Which he's usually quite good at, but this? This he has no idea how to approach and to his mind that means they're drifting apart and the world could crash down at any moment.
Which is hyperbole and he's aware, but at the least he needs to know if he's bunked it all up, especially considering that even back after Kirkwall when they'd been on the run he'd been looking for a way of separating Anders and the spirit. He'd never once asked Anders if he wanted to be separated, or asked him to help, or anything. He'd just decided that was how it was going to be because that's how it had to be. He'd never even considered Anders' feelings on Justice before coming to the fleet. They'd been friends first, before they were terrible influences on each other.]
Or... before that, even.
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I don't understand, love, where have you gotten this notion from? You've always been there for me, even before we were together. If you're worried about your 'performance' as my partner and lover, rest assured I've never had any complaints. In either case.
[But that clearly wasn't all of it, joking aside. Anders left the book forgotten where it fell to the mattress and moved down the bed to lift Hawke's head and encourage him to lay it back against Anders' thigh, leaving Drools to curl up in the warm spot Anders had left behind.]
What's wrong, Hawke?
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[He rests his temple against Anders' leg, looking at the wall instead of craning his neck and risking a kink in it to look at his boyfriend directly.]
I mean, I did finally ask Justice near the end there, but I never asked you. Never once. I just thought oh, he must want to separate from that spirit because look what's happened. But I never talked to you about it. It was different than I thought, talking to him, and seeing him whole. He was your friend first, he was...
[He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment.]
Like Cole. Spirits are their own people, and I just never thought that you'd have been friends like people.
[He grimaces, opening his eyes again.]
That sounds awful, but I hope you understand what I mean.
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[Gently, his fingers stroke through thick white hair while Anders thinks over his words.]
He was like Cole, in his own way. I don't think...he had so much autonomy? From the virtue he represented. Cole was Compassion, but he could still hate. No, I suppose that isn't fair. Justice thrived on preserving and seeking justice for wrongs around him, but he still wanted; he was no mindless wisp.
I remember, he once longed for a connection to another person as Kristoff, the body he inhabited, had had with his wife, Aura. He longed to help Aura and, after a time, he realized it wasn't just for Kristoff's sake any longer. Justice also loved Lyrium, likely more than anything he ever experienced. He said he could hear it sing and it's song moved him, probably to tears if he'd been capable of it.
[There was a brief pause and Anders' fingers stopped, sliding a strand of Hawke's hair between his fingers.]
I heard it, very briefly. Justice had taken over during a fight...and Fenris was there. The lyrium brands flared up and it was like someone had started singing just nearby. I could always sort of hear it, after that. Like a song you can't get out of your head, but not poisonous like the Calling. It's gone now, though. Probably for the best, though.
[He'd been able to avoid a conversation about 'so your tattoos sing, it's very lovely' so far and he'd kept his heart in his ribcage for the effort, so at least now that was out of the way.]
No, love...you didn't ask...but I didn't argue, either. Truthfully, even if you had asked, I'm not sure what my answer would have been. Joining with Justice was a mistake, one that could have killed us both and resulted in too much suffering. But the unknown is just as frightening.
...let me ask you this: why didn't you ask me?
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I was afraid to.
[He lets that sink in. The man who stood up to a city full of armed Qunari and laughed almost maniacally after being skewered by their leader. The man who, when faced with a high dragon with only three companions at his back, took on a gleam in his eye and ran head-first into battle. The man who faced a crazed zealot Templar that could animate statues and shoot lasers because someone had to shut her down. That man is scared of even the smallest disapproval from someone he loves.]
Not just because he might have done something to you. Taken over. But because I... well. I thought you'd disapprove, that you'd fight me on it because he was in there and influencing your opinions. He did that more than you realize, I think. Or even more frightening to me, that you'd disapprove all on your own. Be angry at me for not seeing Justice how you saw him. A victim, in his own right where for so long I just saw a parasite.
[He sighs heavily, leaning further back to push his face into Anders' hand.]
I'm sorry.
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What could he do about it now? What was the point in even thinking too hard on it?
Anders shook his head and brushed his thumb across Hawke's cheek.]
My love, I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me about something. That isn't what I want for us and I'm sorry I gave you that impression.
I don't know what I would have thought or said, but I would never be angry with you because of your concern. Your concern for others is part of what I love about you.
Do you want to know a secret? I think Justice was, perhaps, a little jealous. I was the only connection he had left and I would have chosen you over him, if it had come down to it. You, your happiness and well-being and your opinion matter more to me than anything else in the world.
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But maybe Anders doesn't either.
They'll find out together, he supposes. Really together. He's not going to have to hide anything he's concerned about any longer for fear of Anders being suddenly taken over by an angry spirit.]
Hmm, so you're saying I stole you away from your spirit-boyfriend?
[He quirks an eyebrow, amused at the very thought.]
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He'll take the dog over his boyfriend with his terrible jokes.]
Yes, clearly and I obviously made the wrong choice.
[Feel that cold shoulder, Hawke, as Anders scratches behind Drool's ears instead.]
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Oh for-- I didn't think your ability to take a joke when off with Justice.
[He pouts at Anders, still rubbing his poor bruised head with one hand.]
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Don't worry, love, I'm sure there's a non-possessed mage around somewhere who doesn't have an ex-spirit-boyfriend who can take care of that for you. Isn't that right, Ser-Pounce-a-Lot? Between you and Ser Drools, I'm surrounded by knights in furry armor.
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Traitor.
[Adalwolfe pouts even more strongly at his dog, then moves to stand up in a swiftly theatrical motion.]
I see when I'm not wanted. I'll just go and entertain myself, shall I?
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Oh? That's too bad, the party's on the bed, after all.
[He glanced back over his shoulder to Hawke, brow raised.]
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[Even so he slides himself up on the bed. It's a bit cramped with both men and both their pets but considering it's for cuddling and not sleeping, that suits Adalwolfe just fine. He folds himself in around Anders, encompassing his love the best he can and presses a kiss against his neck.]
Mm, I already like this party.
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[It was one of those moments where time seemed to slow. Their first night together had been like that, like the dawn may never come and they may end up wrapped up in each other forever...and Anders had longed for it so strongly his heart had ached.
Now he found time slowing and growing more simple and instead of an ache, his heart hummed with happiness Anders had learned to associate with Adalwolfe. No one made him happier.
He snuggled in as close as he could to ensure no room remained between them, a warm pile of man and animal on the small bed. A beat later, the silence was broken by Anders' gentle tone.]
What if we stayed this way? Like this? I think I agree with you, love...perhaps Thedas isn't where we should settle. The whole universe is at our fingertips...we could go anywhere, somewhere like the planet with the Giving Tree, someplace we could build a life again and, this time, stay there.
[Maker, how selfish he was to even think it, to voice it..? But he couldn't deny he wanted it so badly.]
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[It slips out before he has a chance to edit. Sometimes he's just too at ease with Anders and his brain decides his words don't need a once over before exiting his mouth. With a little groan and the huff of a laugh, Adalwolfe buries his nose in Anders' shoulder.]
What I mean is yes, I want that. Of course I want that. Weisshaupt will get word eventually without me. They probably already know at least that the false calling is over, since they're not hearing it any longer.
[He raises his head again and presses his forehead against Anders', sliding his hands into his love's as if that hold can anchor him here away from Thedas, away from dissenting thoughts. What about Carver? What about the mages? What about Corypheus? He's your responsibility. They all are.]
A cottage together. Maybe by the sea this time.
[Fuck responsibility. He tightens his hold on Anders' hands.]
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By the sea would be nice...we could still keep a garden if we had fertile land nearby. We could go into town now and again, sell potions or whatever else we make and make a quiet life for ourselves.
[A small scoff huffed from Anders' throat and he shook his head.]
When I was little, I wanted anything but a quiet life. I dreamed of adventures and grand tales and travel, but now simple is all I want. As long as you're with me, love.
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[He laughs a bit, nuzzling into Anders' neck so he can feel Anders' stubble against his cheek, his own beard brushing the other mage's shoulder.]
What did you imagine you would be? A great hero like Calenhad?
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Oh yes, there was definitely some of that. I often led the children in my town on grand adventures , the leader of my very own adventurous company. More than that, however, I think my fondest daydreams were the ones were I was off exploring the unexplored, a daring rogue living off wit and the thrill of exploration.
What about you?
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[Adalwolfe snorts, but it's a fond noise. He's quiet for a long moment afterwards, the mirth draining out of him.]
Once Bethy got her magic, we didn't really play games anymore. I wanted more than anything to be that dragon and carry her away to where no Templars could ever find us.
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But then the tone changed and Anders understood all too well what Hawke described next.]
I'm sorry, Hawke. I wish you could have had that.
Hopefully, no brother will have to feel the way you did again, not now.
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[He sighs, but it comes with a smile and Adalwolfe reaches up to slide his fingers through Anders' hair.]
No, I hope not. That's what we were working for, after all.
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I love you. I feel like I might not have sad it recently, but I can't bare the thought you might forget without the reminder.
[It might seem out of nowhere to anyone else, but it really wasn't. Talking about their childhoods, about the goal Anders had championed, determined to carry the burden alone, only to find Hawke who was willing to help him carry it. The fact this whole conversation had started with Adalwolfe doubting something so fundamentally set in Anders' opinion. The sky was blue and Adalwolfe Hawke was more than what Anders could ever hope to deserve. He wasn't just a good boyfriend, he was exactly what Anders' heart needed to keep going.]
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I won't forget.
[He reaches up and runs his fingers down a lock of Anders' hair, twisting it gently.]
Not with kisses like that.
(no subject)