This is very much a gamble, Anders, and that's why I wanted to talk to you, to both of you, about it. He'll be free, and neither of you will be harmed. It's just whether or not he can reach the Fade from here.
[She wishes she had more of a reassurance, but she doesn't.]
It's whether or not Justice is willing to take that chance.
[There's a calm, a pulse in the back of his mind like a cooling wind on a hot day and it's all he can possibly ask for in regards to an answer.]
I think...he's willing to try.
I imagine the possibility of returning to the fade is a stronger motivation than the option of being stuffed into another host of some sort.
[He gave her a small smile.]
If you think we had trouble adjusting to this place, imagine how it must be for him. I don't think there's a thing on this fleet that makes sense to him.
[Of course, that wasn't really it. Not by half. But as much as he wanted to talk to her about the corruption growing every day and every burst of anger, about the fight he'd had with Hawke because he couldn't even talk to his love about something morally grey without Justice taking Anders' anger and burning it brighter into a flame that couldn't be argued with. Not by Hawke, not even by Anders himself.]
[It feels like she's been holding her breath, waiting for his answer. She tries not to fret, to let her nervousness show. But she cannot deny the relief that surges through her when he assents.]
Good. I know it's risky, but a chance to be able to get him back to the Fade is one we should take. And... he must be terribly homesick.
[Not to mention what must be going on with him, being inside Anders.
Something about his words makes her pause, brow furrowing as she considers.]
...has he been all right? Have you been all right?
[He couldn't say with complete certainty, but he knew his friend had been homesick before, even as he was hesitant on leaving. Ten years later and he could only imagine how much worse it might be. Especially with Anders trying to limit his trips to the Fade in his sleep back home.
Her question draws a sad smile from him. She was always a little too astute for him to talk to many circles around. Something else he admired about her.]
Honestly? No. I don't think we've been all right for a long time and, if anything, the Chantry shows that best. It's complicated...but every day we stay together is another day things might get worse, worse to the point of going too far.
If for no other reason, we should take this option because it might be the last chance we have. Don't tell Hawke I told you that...either of them, please.
[She remembers that as well, how much he missed the Fade, even as he began to learn to admire the real world. After so many years, after what he's seen and done, she imagines it's tenfold now. He needs to go home, to be himself and do... well, what spirits of Justice do. And Anders needs to have his own life back.
Maker, let this work. It's all I ask.]
Is it getting that bad? Is he...?
[She won't tell anyone else; she won't break the trust of her men. But as much as she's afraid to know, she has to.]
I honestly can't say, I have no way of measuring, I suspect the day I find out will be the day it's too late.
Back in Kirkwall, I started suffering blackouts. I didn't tell Hawke or anyone until after we left, but I know it was Justice taking over. I was losing hope and he was losing patience and he took over when I was too weak to see our cause through to the next step. It had to be done.
But it still happens now, any time he takes over, even when it's me giving him control, I can't remember a thing about it. It didn't use to be like that.
And every time I get angry about something, it turns hotter and burns and I know it's Justice amplifying it too far, but there's nothing either of us can do about it. I'm afraid our anger will burn too hot sooner rather than later.
[He didn't like sharing this, especially with someone he'd rather protect from it, but it became a little easier when he remembered she wasn't just his friend. She ought to know for Justice's sake, someone should want to help and worry about Justice besides Anders himself.]
[The blackouts worry her considerably. Justice could do anything during those times, and Anders would have no way of knowing what had happened. And there were so many things that could set Justice off: a poorly made comment, or something that occurred on one of the worlds they visited.]
Do these blackouts happen often?
[She's not ignoring the rest of what he's said, but she needs data right now to understand just how bad they were talking here. She needs to know how far gone her friend is, and how much danger both of them were in.
Maker's breath, what if someone else in the fleet saw Justice taking over and just killed him on the spot? It'd be an understandable reaction, too, but if they were killed, she had no way of knowing what would happen to Justice. It terrified her; at least while he was in Anders, she knew where he was. If he somehow got out...]
[They'd all but stopped recently, he could count on one hand the times it had happened since leaving Kirkwall and every time, Hawke had been there in case anything had gone wrong.
He could feel himself being cagey about it with her, like he was skirting the edges of what she wanted to know and he sighed.]
We saw through what needed to be done in Kirkwall, since then he's only taken over when Hawke was in incredible danger and once when we were visiting the Ostwick circle to help emancipate it. I got into an argument with a loyalist and it went badly.
Nothing...happened, Hawke's strong enough to take Justice down if needed.
[That situation with the Loyalist is another such fear she has. Justice may be pacified for the time being, but what if something similar cropped up? What if they came to a planet that had such a grave injustice going on? There were so, so many ways it could go wrong, and if he slipped too far into his anger and became Rage...
Cold fear clawed at her insides. It's exactly why they need to try this.]
Then let's monopolize on that chance, while we have it. I'll talk to Allen, and we can set up a time and place. I'll be there with you the whole time.
[Anders hesitated only a moment but then nodded. This was really for the better. Even if...even if Justice didn't end up going back to the Fade, he would be at peace and never have to see his fears realized. That should be enough.]
Wolfe will want to be there too. Just let us know what he says and we'll be there.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
apurrstate) wrote2016-05-03 09:35 pm
action
[She wishes she had more of a reassurance, but she doesn't.]
It's whether or not Justice is willing to take that chance.
action
I think...he's willing to try.
I imagine the possibility of returning to the fade is a stronger motivation than the option of being stuffed into another host of some sort.
[He gave her a small smile.]
If you think we had trouble adjusting to this place, imagine how it must be for him. I don't think there's a thing on this fleet that makes sense to him.
[Of course, that wasn't really it. Not by half. But as much as he wanted to talk to her about the corruption growing every day and every burst of anger, about the fight he'd had with Hawke because he couldn't even talk to his love about something morally grey without Justice taking Anders' anger and burning it brighter into a flame that couldn't be argued with. Not by Hawke, not even by Anders himself.]
action
Good. I know it's risky, but a chance to be able to get him back to the Fade is one we should take. And... he must be terribly homesick.
[Not to mention what must be going on with him, being inside Anders.
Something about his words makes her pause, brow furrowing as she considers.]
...has he been all right? Have you been all right?
action
[He couldn't say with complete certainty, but he knew his friend had been homesick before, even as he was hesitant on leaving. Ten years later and he could only imagine how much worse it might be. Especially with Anders trying to limit his trips to the Fade in his sleep back home.
Her question draws a sad smile from him. She was always a little too astute for him to talk to many circles around. Something else he admired about her.]
Honestly? No. I don't think we've been all right for a long time and, if anything, the Chantry shows that best. It's complicated...but every day we stay together is another day things might get worse, worse to the point of going too far.
If for no other reason, we should take this option because it might be the last chance we have. Don't tell Hawke I told you that...either of them, please.
action
Maker, let this work. It's all I ask.]
Is it getting that bad? Is he...?
[She won't tell anyone else; she won't break the trust of her men. But as much as she's afraid to know, she has to.]
action
I honestly can't say, I have no way of measuring, I suspect the day I find out will be the day it's too late.
Back in Kirkwall, I started suffering blackouts. I didn't tell Hawke or anyone until after we left, but I know it was Justice taking over. I was losing hope and he was losing patience and he took over when I was too weak to see our cause through to the next step. It had to be done.
But it still happens now, any time he takes over, even when it's me giving him control, I can't remember a thing about it. It didn't use to be like that.
And every time I get angry about something, it turns hotter and burns and I know it's Justice amplifying it too far, but there's nothing either of us can do about it. I'm afraid our anger will burn too hot sooner rather than later.
[He didn't like sharing this, especially with someone he'd rather protect from it, but it became a little easier when he remembered she wasn't just his friend. She ought to know for Justice's sake, someone should want to help and worry about Justice besides Anders himself.]
action
Do these blackouts happen often?
[She's not ignoring the rest of what he's said, but she needs data right now to understand just how bad they were talking here. She needs to know how far gone her friend is, and how much danger both of them were in.
Maker's breath, what if someone else in the fleet saw Justice taking over and just killed him on the spot? It'd be an understandable reaction, too, but if they were killed, she had no way of knowing what would happen to Justice. It terrified her; at least while he was in Anders, she knew where he was. If he somehow got out...]
action
[They'd all but stopped recently, he could count on one hand the times it had happened since leaving Kirkwall and every time, Hawke had been there in case anything had gone wrong.
He could feel himself being cagey about it with her, like he was skirting the edges of what she wanted to know and he sighed.]
We saw through what needed to be done in Kirkwall, since then he's only taken over when Hawke was in incredible danger and once when we were visiting the Ostwick circle to help emancipate it. I got into an argument with a loyalist and it went badly.
Nothing...happened, Hawke's strong enough to take Justice down if needed.
action
Cold fear clawed at her insides. It's exactly why they need to try this.]
Then let's monopolize on that chance, while we have it. I'll talk to Allen, and we can set up a time and place. I'll be there with you the whole time.
action
Wolfe will want to be there too. Just let us know what he says and we'll be there.
Thank you, Riona. I can't say it enough.
[For everything.]