You're far more effective than any other healer here; they need you! The people here are not about to condemn you just for that, and if they do I'll protect you!
[He says it like it's something Anders should already know, forgetting in the heat of the moment that Anders doesn't know him from anyone else here in the fleet.]
[The communicator is snatched up and Anders appears, hair down to frame an angry and slightly hurt gaze.]
I don't trust you!
[It's harsher than he intended it, but he doesn't take it back either. His frustration was breaking his care-free, happy mask. The one he wore because it was easier, but now he couldn't do it.
He didn't want to risk himself for nothing, he didn't want to reach out to these people, he couldn't afford to get close to them. He didn't want to deal with the fact someone he did let close didn't know him and he certainly didn't want to deal with all of these people who knew Maker-knew how much about him while he barely trusted them enough to shake their hands.
He didn't want to deal with a man who looked at him like he was the most important thing in the world when there was still Karl and the Gray Wardens and so much he didn't know. Too much.]
Your word means nothing because I don't know you! And for all your talk it's clear you don't know me either.
[Hawke opens his mouth to argue, to tell Anders just how well he knows him, in every sense of the word. How he'd bled for Anders, cried for him, defended him against a world that would just as soon see him dead for his actions, supported him even when his plans were ill conceived and even worse in execution. Cared for him when sick, fought beside him when attacked, gave up everything for his - for their - beliefs.
He closes his mouth again, looking at those angry amber eyes as if they bore holes in him, and he knows Anders is right. He doesn't know him, not like this. This isn't the man with ink-stained hands who squints up by candlelight to write a treatise on his beliefs. This isn't the same man who once pledged to bathe the entire city of Kirkwall in blood just to keep him safe. This is a scared apostate, hunted, desperate enough to take a vow to the Wardens of all things to keep the Templars away. His priorities are different, his life is different, and he'd never told Hawke about these things.
But he'd told him others. Told him how he's afraid to sleep too deeply lest he lose himself to Justice in the Fade. Told him just how empty and lonely he was, perhaps not in voice but in action. Hawke sees that here too, under the cracking veneer of Anders' facade, and his heart aches because he knows there is something between Anders' now and Hawke's now that turns the blond's wisecracking air into something tortured and desperate and it makes Hawke feel wrong for wanting that Anders back. The one who cares, certainly, but the one who's seen too much, been through too much, and had enough.
He shouldn't wish that on anyone, least of all the person he loves.
When Hawke does finally speak, his voice is calm and carefully placid.]
I forget myself. Please accept my apologies. I won't bother you about this again.
I'll see to matters on the Iskaulit.
[Without waiting for a reply, the video winks out.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
apurrstate) wrote2016-05-03 09:35 pm
encrypted video
I care about my freedom, something people have always taken from me.
I'm not going to waste my magic on people who're just as likely to use it against me.
There are other healers and healing equipment, leave me alone, Hawke.
encrypted video
[He says it like it's something Anders should already know, forgetting in the heat of the moment that Anders doesn't know him from anyone else here in the fleet.]
encrypted video
I don't trust you!
[It's harsher than he intended it, but he doesn't take it back either. His frustration was breaking his care-free, happy mask. The one he wore because it was easier, but now he couldn't do it.
He didn't want to risk himself for nothing, he didn't want to reach out to these people, he couldn't afford to get close to them. He didn't want to deal with the fact someone he did let close didn't know him and he certainly didn't want to deal with all of these people who knew Maker-knew how much about him while he barely trusted them enough to shake their hands.
He didn't want to deal with a man who looked at him like he was the most important thing in the world when there was still Karl and the Gray Wardens and so much he didn't know. Too much.]
Your word means nothing because I don't know you! And for all your talk it's clear you don't know me either.
encrypted video
He closes his mouth again, looking at those angry amber eyes as if they bore holes in him, and he knows Anders is right. He doesn't know him, not like this. This isn't the man with ink-stained hands who squints up by candlelight to write a treatise on his beliefs. This isn't the same man who once pledged to bathe the entire city of Kirkwall in blood just to keep him safe. This is a scared apostate, hunted, desperate enough to take a vow to the Wardens of all things to keep the Templars away. His priorities are different, his life is different, and he'd never told Hawke about these things.
But he'd told him others. Told him how he's afraid to sleep too deeply lest he lose himself to Justice in the Fade. Told him just how empty and lonely he was, perhaps not in voice but in action. Hawke sees that here too, under the cracking veneer of Anders' facade, and his heart aches because he knows there is something between Anders' now and Hawke's now that turns the blond's wisecracking air into something tortured and desperate and it makes Hawke feel wrong for wanting that Anders back. The one who cares, certainly, but the one who's seen too much, been through too much, and had enough.
He shouldn't wish that on anyone, least of all the person he loves.
When Hawke does finally speak, his voice is calm and carefully placid.]
I forget myself. Please accept my apologies. I won't bother you about this again.
I'll see to matters on the Iskaulit.
[Without waiting for a reply, the video winks out.]