Anders (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
apurrstate) wrote2016-05-03 09:35 pm
apurrstate) wrote2016-05-03 09:35 pm
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[The kiss goes on for an age and Adalwolfe is happy to receive it. Any doubt he'd had before, the niggling discomfort that had prompted his initial question in the first place, is laid to rest in that kiss. When Anders pulls away, it's to a beatific smile from Hawke.]
I won't forget.
[He reaches up and runs his fingers down a lock of Anders' hair, twisting it gently.]
Not with kisses like that.
I won't forget.
[He reaches up and runs his fingers down a lock of Anders' hair, twisting it gently.]
Not with kisses like that.
Then I'll be sure to deliver you at least one a day.
[He smirks handsomely and sits up again. Just in time for the animals to decide to reclaim their space on the bed wherever they can.]
[He smirks handsomely and sits up again. Just in time for the animals to decide to reclaim their space on the bed wherever they can.]
Anders' breath stutters and a small sound of pleasure escapes him as he feels Hawke's final push into him and his release, his breathing wonderfully ragged to try and keep up with the pace of his heart. But now they're both a mess and so perfectly satisfied in each other and nothing else existed but them and the sanctuary of Hawke's presence.
His name is whispered between them and the sheer emotion in that rich voice of his lover sends a tremble down Anders' spine. He can't move fast enough to meet those kisses, so he merely enjoys the feeling of them with his eyes closed in rapture, but then Hawke speaks again and the words bring a familiar twisting to his insides that he easily pushes away. He could hardly disagree more with that sentiment, but he had plenty of practice at pushing it away again. The only sign it was even there was in the way his expression shifted as his eyes met Hawke's.
There were near desperate amounts of adoration in Anders' eyes, mixed with love and happiness and that slight edge that said 'I don't know how you can think these things, but I'm blessed to hear them.' It was all he could do these days when Hawke made such deep proclamations of his devotion and all Anders could do was think of all the pain and trouble he'd brought to Wolfe's life. And yet they were both still here, years later and far too late to change a thing about it now, so all he could do was acknowledge Adalwolfe Hawke was far more than Anders could ever even dream of deserving and offer every ounce of reverence and devotion the healer had in him.
His name is whispered between them and the sheer emotion in that rich voice of his lover sends a tremble down Anders' spine. He can't move fast enough to meet those kisses, so he merely enjoys the feeling of them with his eyes closed in rapture, but then Hawke speaks again and the words bring a familiar twisting to his insides that he easily pushes away. He could hardly disagree more with that sentiment, but he had plenty of practice at pushing it away again. The only sign it was even there was in the way his expression shifted as his eyes met Hawke's.
There were near desperate amounts of adoration in Anders' eyes, mixed with love and happiness and that slight edge that said 'I don't know how you can think these things, but I'm blessed to hear them.' It was all he could do these days when Hawke made such deep proclamations of his devotion and all Anders could do was think of all the pain and trouble he'd brought to Wolfe's life. And yet they were both still here, years later and far too late to change a thing about it now, so all he could do was acknowledge Adalwolfe Hawke was far more than Anders could ever even dream of deserving and offer every ounce of reverence and devotion the healer had in him.
Never, so long as you need me.
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
Always.
Where would you be most comfortable? I'll meet you there. Unless you would rather come to the Tourist, I do have three small furballs who you could cuddle with.
Where would you be most comfortable? I'll meet you there. Unless you would rather come to the Tourist, I do have three small furballs who you could cuddle with.
In a heartbeat.
[He arrives as quickly as the shuttle allows him and he knocks gently at her door.]
Hermione? I'm here.
[He arrives as quickly as the shuttle allows him and he knocks gently at her door.]
Hermione? I'm here.
[He's quick to pull her close, long arms wrapping tight around her.
He could tell she was upset before, but now he felt it from her. He pet her hair soothingly and let the embrace linger before reaching to lace their fingers together and he gave her hand a squeeze.]
You wanted some privacy? Let's step inside.
He could tell she was upset before, but now he felt it from her. He pet her hair soothingly and let the embrace linger before reaching to lace their fingers together and he gave her hand a squeeze.]
You wanted some privacy? Let's step inside.
Okay.
[ It's easy, at least, to follow his suggestions. Her room is as neat as ever - the bed made, a little desk in the corner with some potions, some books; there's a set of bowls under it, clearly for the animals. On the walls are some photos - from Noctis and Luna's wedding, of her and Ignis, and they appear to be moving.
Still holding Anders' hand, Hermione goes and sits on her bed, crossing her legs under herself. ]
I'm sorry for asking you to come here on such short notice.
[ It's easy, at least, to follow his suggestions. Her room is as neat as ever - the bed made, a little desk in the corner with some potions, some books; there's a set of bowls under it, clearly for the animals. On the walls are some photos - from Noctis and Luna's wedding, of her and Ignis, and they appear to be moving.
Still holding Anders' hand, Hermione goes and sits on her bed, crossing her legs under herself. ]
I'm sorry for asking you to come here on such short notice.
[The cat catches his attention first and he gives Crookshanks an affection scratch behind the ears before even noticing the pictures.
But he definitely notices them. And stares. Photographs were one thing he had needed to wrap his head around, now the photographs were moving? He loved magic.
But his love for new magical things didn't come close to comparing with his love for Hermione who he quickly looked back to when she spoke up.]
I told you: nothing else could be more important, I am always at your disposal.
[He moved to pull the desk chair closer to the edge of her bed and sat there so she had his undivided attention. Without a word, he let his Panacea slip into place to ease her mind a touch.]
What's on your mind?
But he definitely notices them. And stares. Photographs were one thing he had needed to wrap his head around, now the photographs were moving? He loved magic.
But his love for new magical things didn't come close to comparing with his love for Hermione who he quickly looked back to when she spoke up.]
I told you: nothing else could be more important, I am always at your disposal.
[He moved to pull the desk chair closer to the edge of her bed and sat there so she had his undivided attention. Without a word, he let his Panacea slip into place to ease her mind a touch.]
What's on your mind?
[ Crookshanks preens under the attention, letting himself have the moment before he hops away and goes to curl up under the desk. Hermione knows that this is a sure sign that the cat trusts Anders and it makes her smile, eyes darting between the two before she has to force herself to relax.
It seems so silly, now, dragging him all the way out here and asking him to sit, but there are some things she just can’t ignore anymore. It’s been nearly two years and it hurts to think about the memories that still play out behind her eyes and the nightmares she still has.
Carefully, she breathes out. ]
Thank you. Really.
[ It takes her a moment but when she feels calm she finds her words. ]
Have I told you much about the Drabwurld?
It seems so silly, now, dragging him all the way out here and asking him to sit, but there are some things she just can’t ignore anymore. It’s been nearly two years and it hurts to think about the memories that still play out behind her eyes and the nightmares she still has.
Carefully, she breathes out. ]
Thank you. Really.
[ It takes her a moment but when she feels calm she finds her words. ]
Have I told you much about the Drabwurld?
[He waits patiently for her to start. This was her timetable and he would be there for her as long as she needed him. He wasn't just saying things when he said little else held the same importance. Even were Wolfe to reach out to him in his absence, explaining he was with Hermione would be answer enough. She was that important to the both of them.]
You mentioned the Seelie court...[his tone turns softer.] And that a lot of people died because your trust was misplaced. But I believe that was all you told me last.
[He suspected there was more, a place like that? He'd be surprised if there wasn't. But even as much as she'd told him was more than anyone should have had to go through, all on top of the war she'd had back home as well.]
You mentioned the Seelie court...[his tone turns softer.] And that a lot of people died because your trust was misplaced. But I believe that was all you told me last.
[He suspected there was more, a place like that? He'd be surprised if there wasn't. But even as much as she'd told him was more than anyone should have had to go through, all on top of the war she'd had back home as well.]
I still dream about it.
[ It comes out quietly - because how can she not? She has no idea how many people died, but she had seen the ruins of the building. Her Sigil, her choice to hide it, her magic that she had broken - and Harry's trust in her, too, shattered into pieces. There's an awful urge to curl up around herself, but she stops, bowing her head instead. It's been three, four years, almost, she thinks, and she can still hear the hiss of Harry's voice in her heart, the sound of someone who loved her, once, and trusted her... But had lost that faith.
Breathing in, she forces herself to calm down, as best she can. ]
I'm trying very hard to... To stop having these dreams. These nightmares, because it's not fair. It's my home, and I want to remember it for the good parts, but all that seems to happen is that I see all the awful things that took place there. I - I try not to think about it all because I don't tell anyone, because I don't...
[ I don't want them to think I'm evil. Hermione recognises that she isn't, she's not bad, she's tried very hard to be a good person, but it's never worked out like that. Not really, with the blood on her hands. ]
I don't know what to do.
[ It comes out quietly - because how can she not? She has no idea how many people died, but she had seen the ruins of the building. Her Sigil, her choice to hide it, her magic that she had broken - and Harry's trust in her, too, shattered into pieces. There's an awful urge to curl up around herself, but she stops, bowing her head instead. It's been three, four years, almost, she thinks, and she can still hear the hiss of Harry's voice in her heart, the sound of someone who loved her, once, and trusted her... But had lost that faith.
Breathing in, she forces herself to calm down, as best she can. ]
I'm trying very hard to... To stop having these dreams. These nightmares, because it's not fair. It's my home, and I want to remember it for the good parts, but all that seems to happen is that I see all the awful things that took place there. I - I try not to think about it all because I don't tell anyone, because I don't...
[ I don't want them to think I'm evil. Hermione recognises that she isn't, she's not bad, she's tried very hard to be a good person, but it's never worked out like that. Not really, with the blood on her hands. ]
I don't know what to do.
[He wishes he were better about magic involving dreams, but he'd never seen the point in it when he could just heal nearly everything. Unfortunately, past traumas and heartbreak were part of that 'nearly.' But he wasn't without anything to offer.
He reached out to her, his hands curling around hers.]
You can't keep it all in, love. I understand, about all of it, I truly do. You want to keep it in your own mind because, that way, it can't hurt anyone else or change how they view you or somehow...taint them with the pain in your thoughts. But if you never share them, they'll destroy you and others will wonder what they could have done to help. They'll hurt because you hurt.
[He was a hypocrite. He knew he was bad about the same for the same reasons, but he knew that every time he told Wolfe what was poisoning his heart and Hawke did nothing more than hold him and assure him it would be okay, it made him feel at least a little better, even if he thought it might be an unwitting lie.]
I promise you: nothing you could ever tell me will change my thoughts about you, so tell me all of it, as you can. I swear to listen and be here, if not find a way to help.
He reached out to her, his hands curling around hers.]
You can't keep it all in, love. I understand, about all of it, I truly do. You want to keep it in your own mind because, that way, it can't hurt anyone else or change how they view you or somehow...taint them with the pain in your thoughts. But if you never share them, they'll destroy you and others will wonder what they could have done to help. They'll hurt because you hurt.
[He was a hypocrite. He knew he was bad about the same for the same reasons, but he knew that every time he told Wolfe what was poisoning his heart and Hawke did nothing more than hold him and assure him it would be okay, it made him feel at least a little better, even if he thought it might be an unwitting lie.]
I promise you: nothing you could ever tell me will change my thoughts about you, so tell me all of it, as you can. I swear to listen and be here, if not find a way to help.
[ His hands are warm and grounding, and Hermione breathes out, letting herself take the moment to calm down and relax. When she turns her head to look over at him, she's pale, the stark red of her scar prickling with an edge of something that looks a little metallic. ]
I don't want anyone to hurt because of me any more. I can't do that - I can't.
[ Shifting, she breathes in, once, then out, before she nods her head. She brought Anders here to help, and he's offering himself - even if she doesn't quite believe that his opinion of her won't change.
Biting her lip, she hesitates, tripping over her words, but... It's like tearing off a plaster, isn't it? ]
I ate someone.
I don't want anyone to hurt because of me any more. I can't do that - I can't.
[ Shifting, she breathes in, once, then out, before she nods her head. She brought Anders here to help, and he's offering himself - even if she doesn't quite believe that his opinion of her won't change.
Biting her lip, she hesitates, tripping over her words, but... It's like tearing off a plaster, isn't it? ]
I ate someone.
[He's quite a long moment, but he doesn't stop holding her and one of his hands moves to pet her hair after a beat. He wasn't...he didn't know what to think of that. Ate someone? How could that happen? He knew the place she was at before could affect her like how Atroma did sometimes, was it that or was this more...voluntary?
He couldn't just sit there guessing. Without thought, his Panacea grew a touch stronger to try and ease her emotional state a bit. When he finally responded, his voice was quiet, but soft.]
What happened?
He couldn't just sit there guessing. Without thought, his Panacea grew a touch stronger to try and ease her emotional state a bit. When he finally responded, his voice was quiet, but soft.]
What happened?
[ There's an awkwardness in the moment, and Hermione feels tense, uncertain, as if she can feel the way Anders' opinion of her is shifting. Eventually, she breathes out, swallowing back the tension that's making her want to bolt away already. ]
I was a high ranking member of the Seelie court, [ the most high ranking after the Queen and Lancelot, actually, but there's no need to mention that ] so there were a number of assassins sent after me. One of them came and used some kind of poison that stopped me from being able to use my natural magic and because of that Dorian, my best friend, ended up fighting them. He... He stood between me and then and took a blade meant for me, right through his stomach. He died in my hands.
[ She breathes out, clenching her fists. ]
Dorian - he was immortal, but I forgot. All I could see was his body and the blood and... And I transformed. I turned into a lion and I chased her down and I ate her.
I was a high ranking member of the Seelie court, [ the most high ranking after the Queen and Lancelot, actually, but there's no need to mention that ] so there were a number of assassins sent after me. One of them came and used some kind of poison that stopped me from being able to use my natural magic and because of that Dorian, my best friend, ended up fighting them. He... He stood between me and then and took a blade meant for me, right through his stomach. He died in my hands.
[ She breathes out, clenching her fists. ]
Dorian - he was immortal, but I forgot. All I could see was his body and the blood and... And I transformed. I turned into a lion and I chased her down and I ate her.
[He could feel the tension in her, the pain, like his magic had no affect. Sometimes it didn't, sometimes the pain was too deep. He'd tried for days to make the Hawke estate filled to the brim with that same emotionally and physically soothing aura and it hadn't seemed to do anything for the one person he'd really wanted to help. Not until time and the others had done some of the work first.
This was like that, except it seemed time hadn't held much kindness for Hermione.
He turned more towards her, moving to sit fully beside her so he could hold her close.]
I'm sorry you went through that.
I can't say I fully understand, that's never happened to me, but I know what it is to lose yourself, especially in a moment of overwhelming emotion. It...can make you feel...less than human. Like a monster.
[He'd been trying to avoid the term, he didn't want to give her the wrong idea, but he didn't think he was far off in his assessment either. In some ways, they shared some of the worst similarities in their pasts. He held her tighter.]
...but I don't think you are. If anything, that emotion is what makes you more human. But when you hold power, it can manifest in the worst way.
[He brushed his lips against the top of her head.]
What can I do for you?
This was like that, except it seemed time hadn't held much kindness for Hermione.
He turned more towards her, moving to sit fully beside her so he could hold her close.]
I'm sorry you went through that.
I can't say I fully understand, that's never happened to me, but I know what it is to lose yourself, especially in a moment of overwhelming emotion. It...can make you feel...less than human. Like a monster.
[He'd been trying to avoid the term, he didn't want to give her the wrong idea, but he didn't think he was far off in his assessment either. In some ways, they shared some of the worst similarities in their pasts. He held her tighter.]
...but I don't think you are. If anything, that emotion is what makes you more human. But when you hold power, it can manifest in the worst way.
[He brushed his lips against the top of her head.]
What can I do for you?
[ Hermione knows he's trying to help - Anders is family, now, and the warmth he offers her is far more than she could ever deserve - but it feels like a lead weight, and her hands shake as she breathes in and out, trying to calm herself down. It's the source of her nightmares, of her bad dreams, memories that haunt her years after the event. She doesn't understand how he can still want to sit beside her, knowing what he does.
But he holds her all the same, and she blinks back her tears, trying to tilt her head and be strong. ]
I felt like... An animal. Like I was everything that people thought about me. My title... I was the Lioness Courant. I was supposed to be the Protecter of Caer Glaem, but I didn't even have the chance to protect the people that meant the most to me.
[ She feels like a monster, sometimes, and... Slowly, hesitantly, she reaches up and takes the ring she wears around her neck off, breathing in and out, gritting her teeth. Just as carefully, she offers it out for Anders to look at. It's a beautiful thing, and she holds it carefully, as if it might break. ]
This is something else I need to talk about. Is that okay?
But he holds her all the same, and she blinks back her tears, trying to tilt her head and be strong. ]
I felt like... An animal. Like I was everything that people thought about me. My title... I was the Lioness Courant. I was supposed to be the Protecter of Caer Glaem, but I didn't even have the chance to protect the people that meant the most to me.
[ She feels like a monster, sometimes, and... Slowly, hesitantly, she reaches up and takes the ring she wears around her neck off, breathing in and out, gritting her teeth. Just as carefully, she offers it out for Anders to look at. It's a beautiful thing, and she holds it carefully, as if it might break. ]
This is something else I need to talk about. Is that okay?
[There was nothing he could say that would make it better and it was a horrible feeling, but one he'd felt before. Sometimes, there wasn't anything that could make it better, no matter how strongly you wished it. Life just wasn't like that. Listening would have to be enough for now, listening and showing her nothing would change between them, no matter what she might say.]
Of course. I said anything, I meant it. It's a beautiful ring. Does the fact it looks like a flower mean anything?
Of course. I said anything, I meant it. It's a beautiful ring. Does the fact it looks like a flower mean anything?
[ A part of her can admit that she's not really looking to feel better, not entirely. Instead, she's trying to lighten the pressure on her chest, to admit to herself that things can be okay, that she doesn't have to suffer nightmares and uncertainty because of her own failings and misgivings. ]
No, not really. It was... Red because of the blood, I think.
[ Again, Hermione looks awkward. ]
A man named Gilgamesh proposed to me because he wanted to use my power to free the woman he claimed to love from a curse.
No, not really. It was... Red because of the blood, I think.
[ Again, Hermione looks awkward. ]
A man named Gilgamesh proposed to me because he wanted to use my power to free the woman he claimed to love from a curse.
[ That also gives him pause and, if she wereto look at his face, she'd see a mixture of confusion, disgust, and anger as though none were quiet sure which should display stronger.]
So, he proposed to you simply to use you and your gifts for his own goals? For another woman? Andraste's ass, what a selfish prick!
Why do you still have that thing?
So, he proposed to you simply to use you and your gifts for his own goals? For another woman? Andraste's ass, what a selfish prick!
Why do you still have that thing?
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