That idea is completely appealing to him for his own sake. There's something in his expression, however briefly (and guiltily), that is just a little... wistful, maybe even yearning.
It's gone in a blink though because he stops to weigh his desire for that break, against a much stronger desire: the ability to make this work to benefit Anders.
Once he sees that - and sees it clearly - he smiles.
"I'd like that, too. I can't even pretend that not having to turn thoughts into words and express them isn't sometimes difficult." Sometimes, that's cute. Thoughts aren't the problem, though. "As long as there are a variety of options for what comes next." Meaning ways to make it useful for Anders when he decided that was a thing, but also just practically for his own sake.
"And I sincerely wonder what this place is doing to me."
There's something in Alaric's expression, but it's come and gone to quickly to pinpoint. It didn't seem bad, however, and Anders' smile returns to something gentle and warm.
"I'm glad. And, for the record, I will always be open to suggestions as to what 'comes next' it need not always be the same thing. It only needs to be what you need."
He wasn't without benefit for it himself, it wasn't meant to be an activity that saw Anders sacrificing for Alaric's happiness, it wasn't that at all. Spending his energy and focus and time, absolutely, but there was something to be gained in having someone to dedicate those things too specifically. His everything would always be for the men he loved, but having that time to simply apply them instead of holding the feeling generally would be nice. Like when he brushed Alaric's hair and nothing else mattered in the world for a little while.
He tucked the collar back into his pocket and brought his hand over to take Alaric's off his arm so that his fingers might play with and rub over his love's hand. Small presses and circles that moved from the palm to the back of his hand then down to his wrist and arm like a small massage.
"Letting you discover who you are as a person? What it feels like to be cared for and about?" He brought Alaric's hand to his lips, but continued his touches after. "I think I know what you mean, though. I didn't used to...this sort of thing wasn't something I indulged in. I healed and took care of people, but not to this level with this much intimacy. I hadn't really considered it."
He stood and pressed Alaric's hand to Anders' chest, over his heart, while Anders leaned down to kiss Alaric. Slow, lingering, then deeper before he pulled back To meet Alaric's eyes. "I very much enjoy being with you, caring for you and your needs, supporting you, holding you, touching you, having conversations with you of all sorts. I don't need you to say anything back, just know I love you and I'm grateful every day to have you near."
There was a moment, just one, when he thought he would have to find a way to respond and knew he would not be able to do so in a way that satisfied him - or lived up to what Anders had just said to him.
Things he'd tried to express and could feel in the kiss he both accepted and returned, emotions he shared but had no words for.
That was a moment of frustration, followed by relief and his hand tightening on Anders. With that came a soft, feather light almost mantle of gratitude, love, and admiration for Anders that settled gently (and with practice) in Anders' mind.
"Will my collar be spending the evening in your pocket, or will I get it back before morning?" Gentle tease there, in the words, even if the feelings he'd chosen to share were much, much deeper.
The push of emotion is something he's not sure he can ever fully express his gratitude for. It lets him know what Alaric is feeling and that's all he rightly needs. Words are meant to do that, but they're a middleman, a medium he likes to use to paint his picture. Alaric doesn't need it and the result is something Anders cherishes.
He has a good head for words, as many of them as he uses, the use of them on paper or to turn a phrase the way he wants, he has a good head for remembering them as well and they can be Maker-sent in those dark hours when his mind tears at him and the tar rears up. However, his way with words is in his mind and those words can be twisted and changed and turned in the darkest of times. These pushes, this mantle of emotion that warmed him, it was a lifeline for later. A memory his mind would discount, tell him Alaric was pushing what he knew Anders wanted to feel and not what he actually felt. It would tell him he would ruin it with his blundering and lose the chance to feel it ever again.
And still, the memory would be there. Warm and solid and not immune but stronger than what tried to tear at it. A blanket in the cold and lonely night.
He leaned in and braced his knee on the couch so he could wrap his arms around Alaric's shoulders and back. A simple moment for a simple embrace as he murmured his response to Alaric's hair. "You'll have it back before dessert. Which I'll make with dinner."
He wraps his arms around Anders in return, fingers loosely against the back of Anders' neck. There's a kiss to the corner of Anders' mouth, too, warm and understanding - something and somehow.
"And I will look forward to it all."
Mostly the time.
He suspected Anders could use that right now and, while he worried about both Anders and Hawke right now... Alaric could use it too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It's gone in a blink though because he stops to weigh his desire for that break, against a much stronger desire: the ability to make this work to benefit Anders.
Once he sees that - and sees it clearly - he smiles.
"I'd like that, too. I can't even pretend that not having to turn thoughts into words and express them isn't sometimes difficult." Sometimes, that's cute. Thoughts aren't the problem, though. "As long as there are a variety of options for what comes next." Meaning ways to make it useful for Anders when he decided that was a thing, but also just practically for his own sake.
"And I sincerely wonder what this place is doing to me."
no subject
"I'm glad. And, for the record, I will always be open to suggestions as to what 'comes next' it need not always be the same thing. It only needs to be what you need."
He wasn't without benefit for it himself, it wasn't meant to be an activity that saw Anders sacrificing for Alaric's happiness, it wasn't that at all. Spending his energy and focus and time, absolutely, but there was something to be gained in having someone to dedicate those things too specifically. His everything would always be for the men he loved, but having that time to simply apply them instead of holding the feeling generally would be nice. Like when he brushed Alaric's hair and nothing else mattered in the world for a little while.
He tucked the collar back into his pocket and brought his hand over to take Alaric's off his arm so that his fingers might play with and rub over his love's hand. Small presses and circles that moved from the palm to the back of his hand then down to his wrist and arm like a small massage.
"Letting you discover who you are as a person? What it feels like to be cared for and about?" He brought Alaric's hand to his lips, but continued his touches after. "I think I know what you mean, though. I didn't used to...this sort of thing wasn't something I indulged in. I healed and took care of people, but not to this level with this much intimacy. I hadn't really considered it."
He stood and pressed Alaric's hand to Anders' chest, over his heart, while Anders leaned down to kiss Alaric. Slow, lingering, then deeper before he pulled back To meet Alaric's eyes. "I very much enjoy being with you, caring for you and your needs, supporting you, holding you, touching you, having conversations with you of all sorts. I don't need you to say anything back, just know I love you and I'm grateful every day to have you near."
no subject
Things he'd tried to express and could feel in the kiss he both accepted and returned, emotions he shared but had no words for.
That was a moment of frustration, followed by relief and his hand tightening on Anders. With that came a soft, feather light almost mantle of gratitude, love, and admiration for Anders that settled gently (and with practice) in Anders' mind.
"Will my collar be spending the evening in your pocket, or will I get it back before morning?" Gentle tease there, in the words, even if the feelings he'd chosen to share were much, much deeper.
no subject
He has a good head for words, as many of them as he uses, the use of them on paper or to turn a phrase the way he wants, he has a good head for remembering them as well and they can be Maker-sent in those dark hours when his mind tears at him and the tar rears up. However, his way with words is in his mind and those words can be twisted and changed and turned in the darkest of times. These pushes, this mantle of emotion that warmed him, it was a lifeline for later. A memory his mind would discount, tell him Alaric was pushing what he knew Anders wanted to feel and not what he actually felt. It would tell him he would ruin it with his blundering and lose the chance to feel it ever again.
And still, the memory would be there. Warm and solid and not immune but stronger than what tried to tear at it. A blanket in the cold and lonely night.
He leaned in and braced his knee on the couch so he could wrap his arms around Alaric's shoulders and back. A simple moment for a simple embrace as he murmured his response to Alaric's hair. "You'll have it back before dessert. Which I'll make with dinner."
As soon as he peeled himself off his love.
no subject
"And I will look forward to it all."
Mostly the time.
He suspected Anders could use that right now and, while he worried about both Anders and Hawke right now... Alaric could use it too.