His smile turns a little brighter for the assurance. Any other present and- "I know, love. Just nerves." Which was the problem. Anders wasn't a nervous gift-giver, he was fairly confident in his ability to find things people may like, so his behavior was sure to be suspect. And yet he couldn't help it as a decade of history ran over the edges of this particular gift. A decade and four proposals, the last of which had been just after the Chantry. A quiet drawing of the lines: 'I won't ask again, but I'm not going anywhere.'
"In the fleet, I made a purchase at one of the stops. A gift I'd intended to give then, but I wanted it to be right...so I waited. I wait a lot when I think the timing isn't right or I'm not right for wanting something. I'll make the decision not to wait, but then I get in my way and time slips by and then I wake and find you've vanished before I could give it to you."
He crossed to the bed and sat beside Hawke, his eyes still on the jewelry in his palm. It was ridiculous and yet he found he couldn't look up. He focused on taking off the clasp and slipping the chain out. "You see...this was a set...and when you vanished, I was left with both and I kept this one on a chain around my neck for seven months. Then I arrived here and it's partner was missing, but I still had this one. I wore it, still, until just a few weeks after signing with Alec and Alaric and then I set it aside...another regret and more lost time. Then, impossibly, you were here. Not just you, but my you. My Hawke." Now he does look up, amber eyes finding icey blue as he reaches for Hawke's hand. "You came back to me...and It's been nearly two months and still I'm a hesitant fool who's keeping you waiting and I don't know where your patience for me comes from when I keep making you wait...but I've done enough of that several times over, I think."
He coaxed open Hawke's palm and placed the ring into his palm. "I hope you like this present, Adalwolfe Hawke...and the words it most hold because my own are pale, thin, things, inadequate for what needs saying."
It's difficult with his mind beginning to race, but Adalwolfe lets Anders talk, pulling the blanket slowly over his lap as the words pour into him, suddenly feeling very silly and underdressed.
I wait a lot when I think I'm not right for wanting something. Isn't that the truth? Three years of pining before they'd ever even kissed. But that old frustrated amusement flees as Anders explains further, citing Hawke's disappearance, how he was left alone, came here alone, the ring a solitary band of a set that was supposed to...
Supposed to...
He can't form the thought. It's so deeply buried, something he hasn't touched in years because looking at it too often had become a practice of self-flagellation for how much he wanted yet could not have.
Thought he could not have.
But Anders puts the ring in his hand and he can't even look at it, staring instead at the healer's face, slack jawed and barely breathing.
"Anders..." Dumbstruck. There's no other word for it. He could choke on the lump in his throat and his eyes sting but it all seems distant for the rushing in his ears, the racing of his heart, and the immeasurable weight in his hand.
Almost five years from when he'd last asked, and Anders finally said yes.
All his nerves and the blood rushing in his ears and Adalwolfe's reply draws a strangled laugh from him. He doesn't doubt Hawke's feelings are the same, merely the timing...this place, maybe it's too late, maybe it's not right...but he has to hope. He has to hope because his heart wouldn't survive the alternative.
He leans in to press their foreheads together. "Not at all. You're giving yourself to me...I am merely offering the same. I don't want another day to go by without you knowing that, no matter where in this life we are to go, you carry me with you and I, in turn, eternally hold you close. I hope you can forgive me for being a fool who keeps making you wait. You deserve better...but I accept that you want me as much as I want you."
"Anders," he breathes his love's name, a bit choked on his own emotion, then swallows to be able to speak properly. "I've been yours since first stepping into your clinic. Three years of aching for each other, even more until now..."
He brings his hand up to the side of Anders' face and only when he gently cups his cheek does he notice the minute trembling in his fingers. "I was happy to wait. I would be happy to wait still, happy to exist as we always were, as we are. In love, desperately and unashamed. But this..."
Hawke's eyes dart to the ring in his other hand, the weight impossibly heavy against how light he feels in his heart. "I never expected..."
Silence reigns, a pause that Hawke, for once, does not immediately fill because he's not certain how. After all this time he never expected for this to happen, never expected for Anders to say yes, much less produce a ring. What he said was true, he would have been happy to simply continue in love, but there's meaning in this gesture, even after all this time. Especially after all this time. And it leaves the usually so very loquacious Hawke completely speechless.
If he didn't know it was due to happiness, he'd almost feel bad for overwhelming Hawke like this. There is no pride in managing the feat of leaving Adalwolfe Hawke speechless, not for this, not when the guilt that did remain was for lost time not saying what clearly should have been said sooner.
He'd waited and hesitated because of the thought that Hawke should have an easier life, a normal life without strife and heartbreak...but they were mages. Apostates. Apostates don't see happy endings. Mages don't get lives. Maybe in the future, but not in their time. The fact they could even entertain this, the luxury of saying no for so long when everything was uncertain, was not one he should have taken advantage of. He was so busy claiming he didn't deserve this that he made it true and put off Hawke's happiness as well.
He brought a hand up to close Wolfe's fingers around the band and he pressed in for a slow kiss in favor of the words lost between them.
Fingers close around the ring and Hawke holds it so tightly he can feel the shape of it in his palm as he kisses Anders. It's slow and affectionate, made up of the things that he can't find the words for and he finds he's still a bit shaky. When they pull apart, he feels a warm drop against his hand and immediately brings the one not desperately curled around the ring up to wipe his face.
He doesn't apologize, can't because of both the lump in his throat and the welling of pure love for this hesitant, careful, yet so utterly passionate man that is somehow still here even when all logic says that they shouldn't have found each other again. Mages don't get happy endings. Rebels don't get happy endings.
But maybe they do get happy continuance.
A hard swallow and Hawke uncurls the fingers around the ring, taking it to slide into its rightful place on the ring finger of his left hand. He's already decided that's where it will stay permanently. He may as well have it grafted on.
"I love you." He still sounds throaty and hoarse but still so full of affection it's almost fit to choke. "We'll find you one to match. I don't want to be the only one wearing it. This is for us. Together."
He watches Hawke's face, his reactions, that small slip of a tear and look in his face when he slides the ring on like it's the most precious thing in the world to him, he watches all of it and tries to hold it in his memory. If ever he needed to see that Hawke loved him, it was there in his face in this moment.
His own emotions gathered close, warm and gentle and almost too much, but the focus on Hawke made it bearable and kept that tightening in his chest from choking him. He shifted so he was sitting in a way where he could pull Hawke to his chest and hold him there. "Together." He echoed back and kissed Wolfe's cheek. There was sure to be someone in this city who could make something similar, at least. "I'm glad you like your present, my love." He pressed another kiss to Hawke's face, then let that gentle smile that hadn't fallen tick up into something more playful. "Now then...I believe I still have a present to unwrap, do I not?"
He'd dead forgotten the state he's in, so when Anders says that, Hawke looks at him blankly for a moment before realization dawns and he has the strangest urge to cover himself entirely. It's gone in less than a moment, banished by the sudden and overpowering desire to cover his love in all manner of adoration. Not just to have sex or be intimate, but to make love.
The blanket across his lap is moved aside, the big red bow a little less full than it once was, but still intact. It can wait, though. He'd much rather take Anders' lips against his and pour every ounce of affection and love he has for this darling, passionate mage he'd fallen for on sight and had gleefully never been able to get up. He is going to prove to Anders tonight, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is no one whose love has changed him as profoundly as the healer's.
When oxygen becomes an imperative is when Hawke finally pulls back, leaving one hand against the back of Anders' neck and pressing his forehead to Anders' in the way that he does sometimes when he needs grounding. "You do, and I am very much looking forward to it."
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no subject
"In the fleet, I made a purchase at one of the stops. A gift I'd intended to give then, but I wanted it to be right...so I waited. I wait a lot when I think the timing isn't right or I'm not right for wanting something. I'll make the decision not to wait, but then I get in my way and time slips by and then I wake and find you've vanished before I could give it to you."
He crossed to the bed and sat beside Hawke, his eyes still on the jewelry in his palm. It was ridiculous and yet he found he couldn't look up. He focused on taking off the clasp and slipping the chain out. "You see...this was a set...and when you vanished, I was left with both and I kept this one on a chain around my neck for seven months. Then I arrived here and it's partner was missing, but I still had this one. I wore it, still, until just a few weeks after signing with Alec and Alaric and then I set it aside...another regret and more lost time. Then, impossibly, you were here. Not just you, but my you. My Hawke." Now he does look up, amber eyes finding icey blue as he reaches for Hawke's hand. "You came back to me...and It's been nearly two months and still I'm a hesitant fool who's keeping you waiting and I don't know where your patience for me comes from when I keep making you wait...but I've done enough of that several times over, I think."
He coaxed open Hawke's palm and placed the ring into his palm. "I hope you like this present, Adalwolfe Hawke...and the words it most hold because my own are pale, thin, things, inadequate for what needs saying."
no subject
I wait a lot when I think I'm not right for wanting something. Isn't that the truth? Three years of pining before they'd ever even kissed. But that old frustrated amusement flees as Anders explains further, citing Hawke's disappearance, how he was left alone, came here alone, the ring a solitary band of a set that was supposed to...
Supposed to...
He can't form the thought. It's so deeply buried, something he hasn't touched in years because looking at it too often had become a practice of self-flagellation for how much he wanted yet could not have.
Thought he could not have.
But Anders puts the ring in his hand and he can't even look at it, staring instead at the healer's face, slack jawed and barely breathing.
"Anders..." Dumbstruck. There's no other word for it. He could choke on the lump in his throat and his eyes sting but it all seems distant for the rushing in his ears, the racing of his heart, and the immeasurable weight in his hand.
Almost five years from when he'd last asked, and Anders finally said yes.
He doesn't know what to do with himself.
"...Your gift is much better than mine..."
no subject
He leans in to press their foreheads together. "Not at all. You're giving yourself to me...I am merely offering the same. I don't want another day to go by without you knowing that, no matter where in this life we are to go, you carry me with you and I, in turn, eternally hold you close. I hope you can forgive me for being a fool who keeps making you wait. You deserve better...but I accept that you want me as much as I want you."
no subject
He brings his hand up to the side of Anders' face and only when he gently cups his cheek does he notice the minute trembling in his fingers. "I was happy to wait. I would be happy to wait still, happy to exist as we always were, as we are. In love, desperately and unashamed. But this..."
Hawke's eyes dart to the ring in his other hand, the weight impossibly heavy against how light he feels in his heart. "I never expected..."
Silence reigns, a pause that Hawke, for once, does not immediately fill because he's not certain how. After all this time he never expected for this to happen, never expected for Anders to say yes, much less produce a ring. What he said was true, he would have been happy to simply continue in love, but there's meaning in this gesture, even after all this time. Especially after all this time. And it leaves the usually so very loquacious Hawke completely speechless.
no subject
He'd waited and hesitated because of the thought that Hawke should have an easier life, a normal life without strife and heartbreak...but they were mages. Apostates. Apostates don't see happy endings. Mages don't get lives. Maybe in the future, but not in their time. The fact they could even entertain this, the luxury of saying no for so long when everything was uncertain, was not one he should have taken advantage of. He was so busy claiming he didn't deserve this that he made it true and put off Hawke's happiness as well.
He brought a hand up to close Wolfe's fingers around the band and he pressed in for a slow kiss in favor of the words lost between them.
no subject
He doesn't apologize, can't because of both the lump in his throat and the welling of pure love for this hesitant, careful, yet so utterly passionate man that is somehow still here even when all logic says that they shouldn't have found each other again. Mages don't get happy endings. Rebels don't get happy endings.
But maybe they do get happy continuance.
A hard swallow and Hawke uncurls the fingers around the ring, taking it to slide into its rightful place on the ring finger of his left hand. He's already decided that's where it will stay permanently. He may as well have it grafted on.
"I love you." He still sounds throaty and hoarse but still so full of affection it's almost fit to choke. "We'll find you one to match. I don't want to be the only one wearing it. This is for us. Together."
no subject
His own emotions gathered close, warm and gentle and almost too much, but the focus on Hawke made it bearable and kept that tightening in his chest from choking him. He shifted so he was sitting in a way where he could pull Hawke to his chest and hold him there. "Together." He echoed back and kissed Wolfe's cheek. There was sure to be someone in this city who could make something similar, at least. "I'm glad you like your present, my love." He pressed another kiss to Hawke's face, then let that gentle smile that hadn't fallen tick up into something more playful. "Now then...I believe I still have a present to unwrap, do I not?"
no subject
The blanket across his lap is moved aside, the big red bow a little less full than it once was, but still intact. It can wait, though. He'd much rather take Anders' lips against his and pour every ounce of affection and love he has for this darling, passionate mage he'd fallen for on sight and had gleefully never been able to get up. He is going to prove to Anders tonight, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is no one whose love has changed him as profoundly as the healer's.
When oxygen becomes an imperative is when Hawke finally pulls back, leaving one hand against the back of Anders' neck and pressing his forehead to Anders' in the way that he does sometimes when he needs grounding. "You do, and I am very much looking forward to it."